Lost

Content warning: self-harm

Do you ever feel lost?

It’s okay. I do, too.

My heart hangs low like the apple from the tree that is in perfect arm’s reach but hasn’t been picked.

People tell me that I can talk to them 

But can I really?

I want to talk but I don’t know what to say 

Because the words I say only make sense when my mind starts to frey

I pray 

I pray 

But I can’t believe

Because to me it seems so naive.

So I sit.

I sit in class wondering if I should take a bite from the poison apple,

If I should give in

Give in to the temptation to one day become a constellation

I glitter in the sky.

But then I think 

Should I slide down the slippery slope with the sled that could have me wind up dead?

Yes?

No? 

I don’t know?

My head rings 

It rings like the sound of the unannounced fire alarm that shrinks like the poor boy yelling in the corner while his mother and father fight over who will have custody over him.

Then it stops.

It all stops.

My head is as clear as if the sun rays peaked right over the horizon shining, making everything glow with light. 

But I can’t feel the light,

All I feel is my fight or flight

So I run 

Run out of class

Grab a piece of glass

And wonder if I should worsen the rash that has started to form on my left wrist. 

Yet no one knows 

I walk out of the bathroom like another student 

And pretend I just needed to throw up.

Should I grow up I think to myself

But I understand so much more than other people 

I feel the feelings of all the beings around me 

My mother calls it empath but I call it rif raf.

So when someone asks are you okay I always say yes because I don’t want to burden them because I know what it’s like to have too much on your mind to find the time to not. be. Lost.