The Babies

With elements from Shakespeare’s play Hamlet

Lights up; JEROME, MONICA, TOMMY, and RAVEN are sitting down on the stage wearing bibs. PARENT walks offstage while saying:

Parent: Alright, babies, the grown-ups are going to chit-chat in the other room now. Later!

The babies are acting like babies until PARENT walks offstage. Then everyone—except for Tommy—rips off their bibs to reveal business ties/bowties.

Jerome: Okay guys, is it just me, or do you hate being babied? Like I know we’re babies, but parents, please. 

Monica: Yeah I agree. I can take care of myself. I’m a big girl! 

MONICA tries to stand up but falls and starts crying.

Tommy (happily): I just pooped my pants! 

Jerome: Monica, get up so we can have a conversation like adults. Tommy, Raven, please contribute. 

MONICA stops crying.

Tommy (happily): I just pooped my pants! 

Jerome: WE KNOW. You just said that. Ugh, let’s find a topic to talk about… topic, topic topic…

Monica: OOH! What made you cry today? Raven? Do you want to start? 

RAVEN doesn’t answer, she just stares into nothingness.

Monica (slightly concerned): Raven?

Raven (monotone): I cried when my mother fed me my bottle this morning. I wished it was the blood of my enemies. I wished I could torture them, chop off each limb one by one. I wish I could pour poison in their eyes, I wish I could starve their family in front of them and force them to watch. I wish I could see them–

RAVEN’s eyes widen. 

RAVEN: –die and burn in the fiery depths 

of–

MONICA and JEROME look very concerned.

Monica (cutting Raven off): OKAY. Thank you for sharing, Raven… I guess… Raven, you’re TWO…

Tommy (happily): I just pooped-

Jerome: TOMMY, WE GET IT!

Monica: …Here’s what else made me cry today: I woke up and the sun was too bright, so I was like “Mama, can you turn off the sun? It’s too bright” and I started crying—but in a very mature and adult way—and she was like “OH NO. GARY, THE BABY’S AWAKE!”  

Awkward silence.

Monica (nervously): Tee..hee

Jerome: Uh, okay, thanks for sharing, Monica. I cried today because my daddy was making sheep noises at me…

Monica: Is there more?

Jerome: Nope, that was it. 

Monica: Okay… Well, let’s get back to the topic of making our parents treat us like adults.

Jerome: Yeah! We need them to see that we’re equals! Sure, we’re not potty trained, and we can’t feed ourselves, and we cry when we have to fart, BUT we can still… uh… do grown-up things like… OH! Paying taxes!

Monica: Great idea, Jerome! Let’s do some taxes to be adults! 

Monica and Jerome get some paper and write scribbles on them. 

Monica: Oh yeah, this is so adult! 

Jerome: TAXESTAXESTAXES

Parent (offstage): I’m just gonna check on the kids, be right back!

PARENT comes onstage. 

Jerome (spotting Parent): Aha! Mama! Me and Monica would like to have a sophisticated conversation regarding how you treat us. You treat us babies, well, like babies, and we do not like it. We–

Monica: WE request that you treat us as grown-ups– I MEAN adults such as yourself because as you can see, we are doing TAXES! 

MONICA and JEROME smile proudly. PARENT takes out their phone and takes a picture of the babies.

Parent (in a baby voice): AWW LOOK AT THAT CUTE BABY FACE CHUBBY CHEEKS BUBUBUBUB!

PARENT squeezes JEROME’s cheeks like a grandma before walking offstage.

Jerome: AUGH! THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO TREAT US AS ADULTS!!

MONICA and JEROME cry and stomp their feet and throw tantrums.

Tommy (while Jerome and Monica tantrum): Poop poop poop poop poop (etc.)

Raven: Guys, we could be using that anger to throw tantrums like babies, OR we could use that anger to sacrifice a sheep to the dark lord! 

Monica (stopped crying): But, we don’t have a sheep!

Jerome (stopped crying): Oh well, let’s just use Tommy. 

THE BABIES corner TOMMY.

Tommy (not concerned in the slightest): I just p–

Jerome: TOMMY, WE GET IT. YOU JUST POOPED YOUR PANTS!

Tommy (shaking his head): I just peed my pants.

Monica: Ugh, forget it. I don’t want to deal with Tommy right now.

Jerome: ME NEITHER.

Raven: But I want to sacrifice something! I told the dark lord that he would be fed today. TOMMY GET OVER HERE–

TOMMY doesn’t move. He has no clue what’s going on. RAVEN tries to grab TOMMY but JEROME and MONICA hold her back and drag her offstage.

Raven (being dragged offstage): I’LL GET MY SACRIFICE! THIS ISN’T THE LAST YOU’LL SEE OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

TOMMY is left onstage smiling and completely unaware about what’s happening. MONICA and JEROME come back onstage.

Monica: Reminder to not invite Raven to future play dates– I MEAN, sophisticated meetings. 

Jerome: Yeah. She’s kinda weird. 

Grandfather clock dong sound effect; it’s noon.

Monica: Aw, man, it’s nap time. I got to go. 

MONICA leaves.

Jerome (to Tommy): I also have to go… so… bye…

JEROME starts to walk offstage into the wing opposite of where he entered.

TOMMY rips off his bib to reveal a Shakespearean ruffle. 

TOMMY (suddenly mature): “To be, or not to be, that is the question:

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles

And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to: ’tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep;

To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub:

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause—there’s the respect

That makes calamity of so long life.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time-”

JEROME suddenly pops back onstage.

Jerome: TOMMY, WHAT THE HELL!?

Tommy (happily): I just pooped my pants! 

Blackout.