Gemini (May 21–June 20):
E.T.’s going to crash your birthday party. Have Reese’s Pieces on hand.
Cancer (June 21–July 22):
The force won’t be with you. Sorry.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22):
Say your name Bond style on June 20. Something may or may not happen, but either way you’ll feel suave.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22):
You’re going to need a bigger boat.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22):
Make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse (but not on Tuesdays, because on Tuesdays they’ll refuse anyway. You’ve been warned.)
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21):
Avoid burgers for breakfast. It’ll only end in death.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21):
You will be the hero Gotham deserves this week. Go you!
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19):
“You met me at a very strange time in my life” will become really relevant really soon.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18):
You’ll feel the need—the need for speed. But never when it’s convenient. Darn you, Pacer.
Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20):
Choose the blue one.
Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19):
“Named must your fear be before banish it you can.” Wise words from a short, wise gentleman.
Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20):
Not to play favorites, but the force will be with you. No offense, Cancer.
Movies Referenced:
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
Star Wars
James Bond
Jaws
The Godfather
Pulp Fiction
The Dark Night
Fight Club
Top Gun
The Matrix
Star Wars
Star Wars