Aquarius
Jan 21–Feb 19: Aquarius, you are a water sign. Hopefully you splished and splashed all summer long, whether in the great big blue or the kiddy pool. But now playtime is over. Winter is coming. As Kanye says, “Work it, make it, do it, makes us harder, better, faster, stronger!” … And you know Kanye has your back, Aquarius, because he and Frank Ocean are pals. And Frank Ocean is basically the patron saint of the Aquarius clan. #swimon(throughthesnow)
Pisces
Feb 20–Mar 20: Just keep swimming against the current. Like a river, school will never end. It will be miserable, and you’ll have to fight, but be the salmon; find the salmon within you. Don’t let it get to you, Pisces, don’t let them make you into sushi. … Unless it’s spicy salmon sushi, because that is delicious and maybe it’s better to be sushi than ceviche.
Aries
Mar 21–April 20: It’s okay Aries, I’d want to punch everyone in the face too, if I were you. The fire within will inevitably rage, but take a trip to the Sciencenter and let it all out in the scream chamber. While you’re there, make a pitstop by the reptile cages, because even when you feel trapped you don’t have it as bad as the corn snake.
Taurus
Apr 21–May 21: Don’t be a BULLy Taurus. It’s ok to be clumsy, like a bull in a china shop, but don’t go chasing every red thing you see. Because who knows, Taurus, it may just be a red rose. Don’t let yourself become a Spanish bull, blinded by red or anger. See the love in red and in yourself, not just the fury.
Gemini
May 22–June 21: “I LOVE SCHOOL WOWOWOOWWWWOW!!!!!!! BEST YEAR EVER CAN’T EVEN WAIT FIVE MORE MINUTES.” … “KILL ME NOW OH WAIT I’M ALREADY DEAD THIS SCHOOL IS WORSE THAN MEDIEVAL TORTURE!” Gemini, make up your mind already. (I’m sure by midterms, you’ll all be positive.)
Cancer
June 22–July 22: We get it, Cancer, you’re just a little crabby. But under the hard-to-crack, better with butter, crustacean shell, your sweet crabmeat is sure to please any crowd. Beware, you may make a few enemies along the way, but for those with a shellfish allergy it’s a shame because they’ll never get to see your best side.
Leo
July 23–Aug 21: You Leos should band together and stand up not only for poor old Cecil the Lion, but all the other lions out there on the savannah who are threatened by bullies and dentists from Minnesota alike. Leo, it’s your turn to fight for justice and your kind.
Virgo
Aug 22–Sept 23: Virgo is like Virgil, who wrote The Aeneid. So because you’re basically a disciple of Virgil, Vir-GO find an epic adventure to explore on your own, and who knows? You may become the next Roman Classic.
Libra
Sept 24–Oct 23: Be careful, Libra. The scales that you have tried to balance for so long are tipping. It may be that you’ve tried to keep them steady atop your head. Silly Libra. Your head is round, and like the world, it will start to spin, faster and faster out of control. Try to keep it together, Libra, or else heads will roll.
Scorpio
Oct 24–Nov 22: Scorpio, go back to Arizona and try to stay out of my shoes. Your sting is fierce, and some people just can’t handle you. Don’t release your venom on unsuspecting victims, save it in your stockpile until you truly need it for your worst enemies.
Sagittarius
Nov 23–Dec 22: Your symbol is a centaur. J. K. Rowling knows that centaurs are totally badass and she had them save Harry all the time, and they were tight with Hagrid. If J. K. Rowling believed in you, Sagittarius, you can do anything, because once J. K. was broke, but then she created the best series ever. So basically you have the power to be the next J. K. Rowling.
Capricorn
Dec 23–Jan 20: Corn has been a sustenance crop for many a culture, generation after generation. And corn = maize. So basically, CapriCORN, you are aMAIZEing. Go get ‘em.