Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19):
Good fortune is your way! Over the next week, you will find yourself in possession of two hotels, five houses, and Baltic Avenue. Make sure all that wealth doesn’t go to your head.
Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20):
Avoid the open water. Your battleship may be sunk before you even know what hit you.
Gemini (May 21–June 20):
Can’t think of anything for you. Sorry!
Cancer (June 21–July 22):
If your friend makes the nose on the Operation Man beep more than, like, three times, don’t let them operate on you. You’ve been warned.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22):
For future reference: Professor Plum with a candlestick in the study.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22):
“A game for those who seek to find… a way to leave their world behind.” I know you think leaving high school behind would be great, but Jumanji is never the answer. Those CGI monkeys are scary as hell.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22):
Play Scrabble nightly. Eventually, you’ll find your vocabulary expanding… I mean, aggrandizing (right?). I guess it doesn’t help you with definitions.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21):
If Halloween passed you by without dropping a single candy in your basket, have no fear: play Candy Land, because it’s basically the same thing, right?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21):
Happy birthday Sagittarius! My advice to you: The game of world domination requires a little Risk. But remember high school comes first. So don’t risk your grades and stuff.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 –Jan. 19):
Pictionary gifts are as good as real ones. Happy Birthday! (Don’t worry. You’ll friends will get you something more substantial.)
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18):
Life is hard for you this week. You climb up and up those ladders, but for every two ladders you climb, you slide down three chutes.
Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20):
If you play Life in the next 48 hours and win, then real life will be sweet as well. The same effect will come if you lose at Trouble.