“This black leather jacket would look great on me. Unfriended was such a good movie! Why don’t my parents/friends/therapists understand me?” If you’ve had any of these provocative thoughts within the past few months, you’re probably just like me: a hardened, hardcore adolescent with emotional issues and a desire to watch Kill la Kill. In short, you are edgy. Sadly, the fact of the matter is that no one will, or can, truly appreciate us. Knowing that only I can free you from the sealed chamber that confines your anguished soul, I will help you cope with the wounds that will not heal.
First, realize that you are the only being worth caring about. The students that sit beside you in your classrooms are nothing but empty shells. It doesn’t matter what they think of your new style and attitude. Soon enough, those who are uncool will stop talking to you, leading their ignorant lives to pointless goals. So what if your teachers hate you for your outbursts and failing grades? In the end, that’s not what really matters. Even Einstein failed school. Pave your own path, disregard the chains of society, and hold the world in contempt. Form mutually empty relationships only to shatter them, then bemoan your undying loneliness. Only then will you achieve the edgy mindset.
Next, establish an extensive vocabulary. Nothing says edgy more than bleak, self-centered soliloquies that drip angst. If someone asks you why you’ve been so moody lately, don’t try to explain it or anything. Instead, give deep insights such as “in the end, life is empty” and “how could you possibly understand my pain?” But exercise some caution. After all, you don’t want to sound intelligent; what are you, a nerd? Purposely only use abbreviations, emoticons, and misspelled words to get your point across, even in the most inappropriate situations. When adults begin to complain about your behavior, get into impassioned arguments about “personal space” and “no respect”. Oh yeah, and remember, this is not a phase. It’s who you are.
If you’re gonna act edgy, you might as well take on a few hobbies, and what better way is there to display your true feelings than some music? Nine Inch Nails and My Chemical Romance are great starters for the uninitiated, and from there you may want to expand your horizons with Pierce the Veil. Bonus points for any music video with crying emo girls or indecipherable screaming. Movies are great, too; watch classics such as A Serbian Film and Human Centipede (don’t skimp—all of them) and vividly describe them to your friends. You’ll be so edgy that passing students will be cut. Finally, use the internet. The literal breeding grounds of devilspawn and social justice warriors, this will be your new home. Embrace it, and feel its cold presence return the gesture. Read dark, kinky fanfics and write your own. Rain toxicity through rants on events that you don’t actually understand or care about. Browse /r/nosleep and /r/atheism to find your fellow soulmates. One day you’ll look back on this image of yours, ponder how your innocent and well-meaning thoughts could transform you into the monster you are now. Then you’ll agree that it’s pretty fucking sweet.