Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): How can someone so smart be so dumb? It’s the eternal question that the unintelligent part of you prevents yourself from answering. Be careful not to remember to forget everything. You’re a genius or a psycho or maybe both. Hang in there, you’ll land on your feet.
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Stop flexing in the mirror and get in the gym. It’s never too late to get your summer bod in gear. Also, use that as a motto for your life. The mirror is society and the gym is real life. You get out what you put in, you get nothing out of how you see yourself in society. Stop searching for the perfect lighting and just make it happen.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): When the bread is stale, slice it thin and call it toast. You can be sort of a liar to others, so make sure to be honest with yourself. If you’re going out of your way for someone else, it’s probably because they’re blocking the road. Go full steam ahead with the horsepower of 10,000 steeds.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): You’re not crazy, just misunderstood. You’re the anchor on a ship with drunken sailors. Stay grounded until you’re ready to fly. Remember where you came from, and don’t sink the ship when you get off of it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): You certainly don’t believe in anything having to do with Zodiac, but you kind of like reading them anyway. Having “one of those faces” that people recognize is causing you a lot of unwanted stress.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): tbh i seen u in the hallways and ur cool i guess we shud talk more.
Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): You believe that cutting corners makes you a more well-rounded person. If you’re not entirely sure about a deadline this year, it’s important to be on the safe side and not do it at all to avoid the risk of accidentally using your free time to do school work.
Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): You talk a lot but don’t really say anything. You keep moving forward but you don’t really go anywhere. Maybe it’s time to ask yourself if what you want is the same as what everyone else wants for you.
Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): You believe in a second chance for yourself. Although, you find yourself repeating “Get em’ next time” all too often in your bathroom mirror. Your time will come; just remember your greatest ally is yourself.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): Failure is the mother of success and honesty is the father. You’ve got an appetite for failure’s son and revenge is just an appetizer. Life is a full-course meal; don’t eat dessert first and don’t gobble your food.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Wear your socks inside out for a week straight. It’s scientifically proven to enhance your vertical height by more than a foot. Just don’t tell anyone else or it won’t work.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): You’re one of a kind—certainly the coolest of your breed. You really know how to get people to like you even when you’re in a slump. Just know that you’ll always have your charm with you.