Q: Hi Abby. I’m a senior, and I’m starting to get really stressed about the whole college application process. I’ve barely looked at the Common App and to be honest I don’t even have a good sense of where I want to apply yet. I don’t know where to start! Any advice?
Signed, Hyperventilating in H-Courtyard
A: Hi Hyperventilating! Good question. The first thing you should know is that Application Season is a stressful time for everyone, so you’re not alone. Despite this, it’s important that you repress your feelings whenever possible. Not only will this give you the appearance of having everything figured out, but it’ll also give you the opportunity to make the students around you feel even worse about their own uncertainty and lack of progress on their applications! Project your insecurities onto other people; this will allow you to distract yourself as you descend deeper and deeper into the pit of denial you’ve constructed. It’s also a great way to make friends.
Once you’ve gone through these first few crucial steps, it’s time to start your actual application. If you’re not sure where you want to go yet, that’s fine; just add every prestigious school you can think of to your list. The more the merrier—I’d recommend googling “50 most selective colleges in America” and then applying to every single institution on that list. Don’t bother adding any safety schools; that is a waste of time and ultimately meaningless. I can assure that you’ll be fine without them.
Obviously, one of the most important parts of your application is the essay. I’m sure you’ve already heard all about what not to write; every online article on the subject will tell you to avoid clichés like winning the big game, wanting to be a doctor after a loved one got sick, or how some celebrity is your personal hero. All of those topics are incredibly overdone. Clichés are like negative numbers, though—they cancel out. So pack as many cheesy ideas into 650 words as possible. Take all of the suggestions above, for example, and mash them up into one giant orgy of an inspirational anecdote. Bonus points if this anecdote happens to take place on the same day as your bar mitzvah.
If your essay is too long and you’re having trouble shortening it, just go through the entire thing deleting every third word. This speeds up the revising process tremendously, and will undoubtedly result in every college hailing you as a creative visionary.
As far as supplemental essays go, there’s really no reason to take them seriously. Every school’s prompts are slightly different, but they’re similar enough that you can get away with copying and pasting the same generic diatribe into each one. The only thing that you need to change for each application is the name of the school—make sure you write “Harvard” on your Yale app and “Yale” on your Harvard app. Admissions staff love it when prospective students play hard to get, so this will really give you an edge.
The final step to consider during this process is getting letters of recommendation. If you haven’t talked to any teachers about this part of your application yet, don’t worry. In fact, bringing it up this early in the year just makes you seem overzealous and obnoxious. Nobody likes that kid. In order to seem as laid-back as possible, don’t ask teachers for letters until your deadline is less than a week away. For additional points, feel free to actually draft the letter yourself and then just give it to your recommenders to refine. After all, you wouldn’t want a college to know what your teachers actually think of you, now would you?
If you carefully follow these guidelines, your application process will be a breeze.
You’re welcome.
—Abby