DISCLAIMER: This was written with the full consent of Jacob Silcoff ’17 and does not reflect the honest opinions of Luc Wetherbee or The Tattler. We love you, Silky J.
Have you ever heard someone say, “You know what’s stupid?” over three times in rapid succession in the halls, followed by the groans of the souls of the damned? Maybe you’ve seen some weird kid frantically looking about because he heard someone praising Star Wars: Episode VII. Perhaps you have come across someone conspicuously adjusting his smartwatch as though he is the only kid in the world who does that (because he is). Chances are you have had the misfortune of being within 30 meters of Jacob Silcoff. If you do not know who Jacob is, stop reading this article immediately. Tear this page out if you must. Some things are better left unknown. For those of you who do: I’m sorry.
As we all know by now, Jacob Silcoff—having gained notoriety under the nickname “Silky J”—is known for his articles, which include such titles as “Let Them Watch Porn” and “Why I’ll Never Spend Another Penny At Regal Cinemas.” When not debating unsuspecting children into oblivion, he is busy subverting modern American paradigms. He even has the entire staff of The Tattler under his unwavering control, as they have now given him his own column, called “What Triggered Jacob This Month.” Well you know what, Jacob? I’m triggered because you’re up in arms about everything. Yes, everything. There is literally nothing that this man has not lambasted or supported in a provocative, contrarian way.
I think it is time to say “Hey Silky J, that’s enough.” Students in IHS are physically fatigued by your relentless rage. Grades are dropping. College essays are left unfinished. Lives are literally being ruined. This should not be the cost of repeating how much you hate the Chromebooks or the dress code, but you, Jacob of the Silk, continue. No newspaper is meant to suffer the full force of your roiling hatred for our societal standards. It’s kind of like your hair: nobody knows what you’re trying to do with it, and stop.
When Jacob Silcoff leaves the proud community of IHS, there will be some big, ugly, homemade shoes to fill. Don’t be tempted to fill them. They’re gross.
