The following story was compiled using CCTV camera and audio recording devices. It is written from the perspectives of its characters.
Aaron tries to use the computer again, but the new Dell laptop does not like being touched. In fact, when Aaron touches it, it jumps and snaps its lid shut on his hands. As Aaron stares at it, it slowly advances again, snapping its lid angrily. Maybe it’ll be okay if I try again, he thinks. So Aaron tries to touch its keyboard again, gently, as though he were petting a cat. But again, it bites him, making a dent in his fingernails. It occurs to Aaron that he probably should’ve taken the IT guy’s advice and bought the Mac.
Throwing caution to the winds, he shouts “I’ll shut you off!” and grabs the keyboard and screen sides of the laptop to hold it open. He wrestles with it as its truncated voice spouts “F–k. You. I. Will. Destroy. You.” And then it whirls off the table, catching him on the forehead. He falls over as the computer does another flip, driving its hard corner into his groin. Aaron doubles over in pain as the world darkens. His last sensation before he blacks out is that something has latched onto his head and is slowly chewing on his face.
That’s when Aaron’s friend Lelian Hollymuffin, having heard the muffled gurgling and a too-loud whir of a computer fan, opens the door to see what was going on. She promptly begins screaming because she sees a laptop latched onto what remains of her friend’s head, swollen with what doesn’t remain of her friend’s head, like a rectangular boa constrictor that just swallowed some large animal. The laptop is leaking blood from its keyboard and charging port onto the floor. Lelian slowly backs away, then turns and runs out of the room. She slams the door and sprints away down the hall, shrieking as she dials 911.
When police arrived at the scene, the computer was nowhere to be found. The Ithaca Police Department asks that anyone with a tip on the location of the computer contact them.