Q: Hi Abby. Recently, I was trying to explain to some of my guy friends why catcalling is offensive. One of them interrupted me, arguing that “not all men” do things like that. Clearly, I’m not getting through to them. What can I do to make these conversations more productive?
Signed, Puzzling my Way Through the Patriarchy
A: Great question, Puzzling! Before we start, I want to applaud you for making the effort to start these important conversations. It’s crucial that we address these kinds of social issues, especially given the tense state of our current political climate. That being said, I think that you’re approaching the whole “gender equality” debate in a completely incorrect way. Let me help point you in the right direction.
Your friend raised an important point when he abruptly cut you off to remind you that not all men are rude to women. He’s right; I know plenty (or at least a handful) of guys who would never catcall someone on the street. Clearly, men respect women. Even if some men don’t, it’s totally unfair to make sweeping generalizations about an entire gender of people. That’s petty and biased and, frankly, the kind of snarky comment that only a woman would make.
It’s easy to see why so many men feel disenfranchised in today’s world. The privileges that are given to them on the basis of gender come at a cost. Men aren’t given any kind of special rights like us gals, and when a man runs for president it isn’t even treated like a big deal. Men deserve recognition too, y’all. To make things worse, where are the MASCULINE hygiene products? And why can’t we have a group of Strong MEN Impacting Society at IHS? There are no logical explanations for any of these things.
Men also have to struggle with the cultural appropriation of gender-specific words such as “bro” and “dude” by women, a behavior which is truly appalling and makes issues like the wage gap and a woman’s right to choose seem superficial in comparison.
Putting these issues aside, another concern that so-called feminists raise is the issue of male entitlement. I often hear women complain that men feel like they have the right to talk over them, or explain things that they already understand. Well, a little-known fact about the male brain is that men have an incredibly high capacity for empathy and are remarkably intuitive. This means that they often know not only what you’re going to say before you say it, but are also able to deduce what it was that you really meant to say and are able to correct you before you even open your mouth to speak. That’s why mid-sentence interruption and “mansplaining” are such common practices—the gentlemen in our lives are actually doing us a favor. So be grateful, ladies.
Embracing diversity in our lives opens all kinds of doors for us, so whoever said that chivalry is dead might need to expand their worldview a bit. If you want to have more productive political and cultural discussions, stop silencing and trivializing the men in your life. They have it a lot harder than you might think.
If you weren’t able to understand any of the ideas presented in this column, ask a man you know to help explain it to you.
You’re welcome.
—Abby