Q: Hey Abby. So Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I want to do something really special for my girlfriend this year. I’m not that great at gift-giving or big romantic gestures or anything like that, so I was hoping that you might be able to help me out. What can I do to plan the best, most memorable Valentine’s Day ever?
Signed, Sleepless in Second Period
A: Well hello there, Sleepless! First of all, you should be aware that when it comes to dates, the most “memorable” are usually the furthest thing from good. If you want to ensure success, aiming for mediocrity is usually a good route to take. However, I get the sense that you won’t settle for that, so I’ll do my best to help you find a way to make a big impression.
I don’t know anything about your girlfriend or her interests or the nature of your relationship but, as we established two short months ago here on That Sounds Like a You Problem, most girls are pretty much all the same. With that in mind, all you need to do to impress your girlfriend is mirror the things you see in romantic comedies. And if there’s anything you can learn from the films of this oh-so-realistic, consistently well-executed subgenre, it’s that there’s no better way to win a gal’s heart than by boldly and vulnerably asking for her forgiveness after you inevitably do something to make her leave you. This works best if you bring flowers, of course. And a big, old-school boom box. Oh, and it should be raining, too. Obviously.
Of course, in order for a plan like this to work, the first thing that you need to do is betray your girlfriend’s trust or let her down in some other way. Use the week leading up to Valentine’s Day to slowly but surely chip away at said trust. Give her sister a bag of conversation hearts. Make out with her best friend in the parking lot. Go to her house for dinner and hit on her mother the entire time. Subtle things like that.
Once you’ve caused the damage, it’s time to poetically make amends. On February 14, right around dinner time, show up at your generic love interest’s house with a bouquet of flowers and as many other cheesy, not-at-all-personalized gifts you can carry. As of now, weather.com isn’t predicting any major rainstorms on the holiday, so be prepared to use a garden hose or the sprinkler in the front yard to achieve the same pneumonia-inducing effect. Tell her you’re sorry, that you’re an idiot, that you’re always wrong and she’s always right. That’s all that girls need to hear, isn’t it?
If my master plan doesn’t work out—although I can’t see how that could happen, seeing as according to my own unbiased calculations I’ve probably almost never been wrong—then it looks like you’ll be single right in time for Valentine’s Day! Don’t despair, though, I’ve got a whole arsenal of foolproof and definitely not restraining-order-inducing tips to help you improve your flirting game…
You’re welcome.
—Abby