Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Take yourself on a date and get to know YOU better. Dinner for one? No, dinner for three: you, yourself, and your dad. Let him come.
Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): It’s such a shame that youth is wasted on the young. They’re too dumb to know what’s good for em’.
Gemini (May 21–June 20): Lions are proof that leopards can change their spots. It feels better to eat grapes for a day than raisins for life.
Cancer (June 21–July 22): Hope springs eternal, Cancer. Let your insecurities be your securities, and let your vices be your virtues. Get in shape? Guuuuurrrl, circle is a shape, you chillin.
Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Just because your skin gets red when you touch fire doesn’t mean you’re allergic, relax. Patience takes time, and life is too short to live forever. Cherish the wisdom of your elders, and ignore the fallacies of your inferiors.
Virgo (Aug. 23–Sep. 22): You know what it’s like to live in a styrofoam world, never to touch or feel without hurting or breaking. It’s high time you break the only thing holding you back, your doubts and uncertainties.
Libra (Sep. 23–Oct. 22): This isn’t about you, me, or anyone else, it’s about us and them, and they don’t know a thing about we! I don’t know about everyone, but I damn well know something about someone.
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): Why does poison taste so sweet? Why does revenge seem so refreshing? Why does envy feel so natural? Why does fear smell so pungent? Even Jesus took a bite out of the forbidden fruit…
Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Nothing is actually real. Time is just a metric invented by humans to convince ourselves that life has purpose and meaning. Deadlines are a suggestion and age is just a number, baby.
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): See Libra.
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): No, please, walk slower, I have nowhere to be. Oh you need to tie your shoe? I’ll wait… Whoa dude you have velcro? We get it, you’re rich. Nice.
Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): The first person you think of after reading this sentence is the person who will one day bare your eleven children. Lucky numbers are 1 and 5,792,957.