Instead of simply using the IHS Tattler to guard his partes privadas from the greasy chain of a moto, whatever that is, area English teacher Juan Carlos Nunez violently ripped out the editorial—which was written by a senior in high school for a school newspaper—from the beginning of the Tattler, placed it on the ground, and literally defecated on it. Before snatching the February Issue of the Tattler from the hands of an unsuspecting student, Nunez apparently called the student-written essay “pretentious” and “wooden” while simultaneously screaming incomprehensible phrases such as “ipso facto” and “but I digress…!” at the top of his lungs. Sources report Nunez muttering under his breath in broken Spanish as he did the deed, damning the writer of this cursed editorial—who hasn’t even graduated from high school yet—to burn in hell for all eternity.
We caught up with a student ’17, who has preferred to remain anonymous but did indeed witness the act in its entirety, to comment. “Yeah, it was kind of weird,” he said. “He seemed to be really confident that no one would know it was him, but he literally did it in his classroom with the door wide open. The weirdest part was that he was literally wearing a poncho, a sombrero, and one of those luchador masks… You know, the ones in Nacho Libre,” he continued. “I could’ve sworn he looked at me and winked. Like, literally winked. But that might have been him clenching through a particularly nasty bowel movement. I couldn’t tell.”
The IHS Tattler Editorial Board is currently investigating this incident. If you have any additional insight, please contact Editor-in-Chief Jacob “Silky J” Silcoff ’17.