This March, IHS senior and Tattler Backpage Editor Abe Messing ’17, was sent to investigate the questionable ethics of Meshers Inc., a wire mesh factory situated in New Mexico. Messing was to disguise himself as a worker and uncover any criminal ongoings at the facility, which may or may not have included mesh trafficking, mesh fraud, mesh production, and animal cruelty. At the time of assignment, Messing showed some reluctance, complaining that “I’m only doing this cause we don’t have any other news articles.”
Through sheer coincidence, famed Argentine soccer player Lionel Andrés “Leo” Messi was also sent to Meshers Inc. this March as a public relations move following the disastrous “Make-a-Messi Foundation” fiasco, which claimed 20 lives, $350 million USD in property damage, and the nation of Zimbabwe. “We hope to make amends for the terrible, terrible damage that we’ve caused by allowing Messi to personally reach out with the community. In New Mexico. By working at a wire mesh factory,” a spokesman said. “Look, I’m just saying what the lawyers told me to, okay?”
Both Messing and Messi were selected as “mesh-mashers,” menial low-paying jobs which require the workers to crumple up packages of defective wire meshes for repurposing. Facing hostility from the other workers for one reason or another, the two began to work with each other and quickly became friends. “He’s a pretty cool guy,” Messing wrote in one of his reports back to Tattler HQ. “Only talks about soccer and Zimbabwe, but we all have our flaws.” Within two weeks, they established an efficient technique, considered “an unprecedented breakthrough in the history of mesh standards” by critics, and were considered skilled in the field of mesh-mashing.
Their success, however, only increased the resentment of their fellow mashers. One evening, Messing was approached by a worker and was threatened at knifepoint. “He yelled some pretty creative insults at me,” Messing recalled. “I don’t know if I can look at a squirrel the same way again. But then he yelled something that set off alarms in my head: ‘You’re gonna ruin our plans if you keep this up.’” At this point, Messi saw Messing being accosted and subdued the attacker with a swift kick. Grateful, Messing chose to reveal his true intentions to Messi and asked for his help in getting to the bottom of this mystery, which was eagerly provided.
Further investigation revealed that Meshers Inc. was merely a front which disguised a darker, insidious purpose: a religious cult. A group of Freemason idealogues had joined together for the purpose of “restoring Masonic beliefs to the rest of the corrupt, uncivilized world” and were accumulating followers in concerning numbers. The cult was led by several obscure individuals who disguised themselves with intricate masks. Every few days, one or two of these messiahs would appear before the “workers” of Meshers Inc. and promise them that their time of recognition was close. “When it is time to strike, each one of you will receive a cryptic message which, when decoded, will determine your role in our uprising,” one masked figure proclaimed in a speech. Messing realized he had but a few days to resolve the crisis, but the tables were turned against him; his phone battery had run dry, making it impossible to contact Tattler HQ.
Fortunately, Messing managed to keep his wits about him. Analysis of several critical documents found lying conspicuously in a folder marked TOP SECRET provided an outline of the cult’s plan. The “cryptic messages” would be delivered by two young women loyal to the Freemason cause: Eudora Max and Sally Mex. “They were going to meet at night at the gigantic mesa two miles from the factory,” Messing said. “The world was in very real danger, and it was up to me to save it.”
The night before the revolution arrived, and Messing and Messi made their way to the nearby mesa (known as Massa’s Mesa to the locals). Conditions were bad, with a thick mist making it difficult to travel, and the two found themselves at their destination an hour later than expected. The two women were already there, carrying a giant box of messages to be delivered. Messing and Messi were forced to improvise and confronted the women with endearing wit and charm, rapidly twirling fake Mexican mustaches they had put on to disguise themselves. Their handsome and gentlemanly demeanors flustered the women, who accidentally dropped the box of letters. The messages spilled out across the ground, much to the horror of the women, as they had been carefully ordered and prepared for every individual; if the proper letter did not reach the right person, the revolution would fail. Realizing that their plans had been foiled, the women fled into the night.
And so the world was saved by Messrs Messing and Messi, master mesh-mashers of Meshers Inc., who messily mussed messy Mexican mustaches as they met Miss Max and Miss Mex in the mist at the massive Massa’s Mesa, thus mixing the mystic messages from the mysterious masked Masonic messiahs by mistake.