On March 6, 2018, IHS teacher Matthew Prokosch led an uprising against the school administration. The uprising started when armed janitors organized by Prokosch joined a small group of students in protesting the lack of a permanent pizza option in the cafeteria. Declaring their goals to be “Pizza, land, and bread, even though that’s kinda redundant,” the protestors soon turned violent, stabbing teachers and cooks with pencils and jabbing at them with their mops.
After twenty minutes of a relative stalemate, Mr. Trumble ordered all teachers to the scene over the PA system, and within ten minutes, the entire school was in the cafeteria. Quickly, the teachers split into two groups, with the teachers with the highest salary defending the cooks, and those with lower salary and no tenure joined Prokosch. Lana Craig, the leader of the first group, declared that their side was the “anti-Trump” side, which drew a majority of students to her side. Prokosch hurriedly countered that “School is for losers; once we win, all periods will be free!”
This was the final straw for the administration, and they called the police. However, the students had overpowered Craig’s teachers and held Mr. Trumble captive by the time the police arrived. As the police shot at the gathered students, they broke into dance, stopping the bullets in midair and causing the policemen to collapse to the floor.
Having won, Prokosch immediately declared that all should address each other as “Comrade,” and that his name was no longer Matthew, but Matvey. Over the last two hours, he has instituted new rules such as mandatory service as cook or janitor, banning of the words “tracking” and “science,” and he has appointed me official IHS Commune historian.
A History of the IHS Commune:
The Commune of IHS was established on July 26, 1959. The original founder of the Commune was Comrade Severin Drix, who peacefully passed power to Comrade Matvey Prokosch in 2015.
Under Comrade Drix’s rule, the Commune has overseen the greatest educational enterprise in New York State, eschewing Standardized examinations that are designed to discriminate against the proletariat in favor of a holistic education on class and race. The Commune was proud to boast a 100 percent matriculation rate to Oberlin during Comrade Drix’s tenure, but now feeds mostly to University of California, Berkeley, after their recent anti-right efforts.
The Departments of Russian History, Socialist Literature, and Philosophical Relativism were established as the three major departments by Comrade Drix. Comrade Prokosch has focused mainly on outreach efforts, in which he has been extremely successful, starting countless revolutions across the New York State Public School System.
Comrades Drix and Prokosch have both taught as well as administered, as Comrade Drix currently teaches Decolonized Math, and Comrade Prokosch teaches Sergei Eisenstein Kino Studies. Club offerings include Mock Show Trial, Model Warsaw Pact, and Political Theory of the Global Left. Pizza is served for breakfast and lunch every day.