On February 29, in a shocking turn of events, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the IHS Boys Varsity Football team would swap places with the Cleveland Browns in the NFL. This move, effective at the start of training camp in mid-July, will see the Lil’ Red permanently relocate to Cleveland, where they will try to earn the city its first Super Bowl win.
Goodell, clearly giddy with excitement to start the press conference, opened his remarks with a joke: “What do you call a Browns player with a ring? A thief!” He chuckled to himself, and explained his decision. “The Cleveland Browns have simply been a joke for the past fifteen seasons,” he began. “They are a disgrace to this league, and to the sport of football in general. . . . By comparison, the Lil’ Red are the model of consistency and excellence, and they’ll surely bring some excitement to this city.”
After Roger Goodell’s speech, fans and members of the Cleveland Browns organization spoke about the decision, and they unanimously supported their relocation. “As Joakim Noah put it, Cleveland really sucks. Even being in jail was better,” said Donte Stallworth, a former Browns player. Browns owner Jimmy Haslam expressed his optimism about his team’s chances of success in Section 4 AA Division 1, the division that the Lil’ Red formerly competed in. “Of the four teams in the division, I’d say that with our current roster, we’re the second or third best. We have no chance of beating Elmira-Southside, but we could pull out an occasional win against a team like Horseheads.” He also noted that incoming IHS ninth graders would be a “huge improvement” over the Browns’ recent free agency acquisitions.
The Browns’ relocation came as a surprise to many high-profile fans, but many have expressed their support over social media. “Let’s go for two wins this season #striveforgreatness #golilred,” tweeted LeBron James, who is rumored to have interest in joining the Lil’ Red after his contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers expires. Similarly, another Browns fan, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, was also ecstatic about the move, comparing it in significance to the threat of the Axis of Evil.
The decision to move the Lil’ Red to Cleveland has also been well-received by players and coaches of the team. “Like the Browns, we also didn’t win a game this season, but we played fewer games than the Browns, so we’re clearly the better team,” said Myles Peppers ’20, a player for the Lil’ Red.
“The Lil’ Red should be able to win some of the easy matchups this year. The Jets, the Dolphins, and the Cardinals games should be pretty competitive, even for one of the worst high school teams in New York,” said pop-culture commentator Joshua “J.T.” Stone ‘20, a trusted source for IHS news.
“I’m really excited for the opportunity to play against the best players in the world,” said another member of the Lil’ Red, who asked to remain anonymous. “However, I am really disappointed to be moving to Cleveland. I imagine that the entire city looks and smells like the bathrooms in the E-wing, and the thought of that is honestly depressing. Why couldn’t we have swapped places with the Jets?”
Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of the move is the over $200 million that the Lil’ Red will receive annually. When asked about where the funding will go, given that his players will remain unpaid, Lil’ Red Head Coach Kelly Gordon was quick to give an answer. “How do you think ICSD replaces Chromebooks? I don’t know how they’ve done it so far, but they need to get the money somehow. Our entire budget will support the district’s technology program.”
Overall, the decision to swap the Browns and the Lil’ Red is one that will have benefits for both sides. The Lil’ Red will be a less embarrassing, more cohesive team for the city of Cleveland, and while expectations are low, the Browns can win a game or two for IHS.