You find yourself walking at what most would consider a normal pace (~1.5 steps/sec) between the cafeteria and G-building to get to your next class in K. Approaching the intersection, you are confronted by a wall of sweaty teenagers, all struggling to move at vastly different speeds and directions. Some are sprinting without an awareness of their flailing extremities, and others are standing cluelessly in the center of the hallway. A gradual rise of rage and frustration grows within you, until you realize with dread that you were walking on the left side of the hallway the entire time, an atrocious crime. This rollercoaster of emotions causes you to collapse onto your knees, crying and cursing at the building’s god-awful design and the integrity of humanity. People start stepping over you as they anticipate the next bell. You decide to lie there for a little while longer on the grimy floor. Why even try anymore?
Sound familiar? Luckily, IHS will finally take its first measures to fix this serious issue. The countless instances of hazardous behavior and medical emergencies over the past decade or so have resulted in a tremendous aggregation of student and teacher complaints, as well as a hefty collection of distasteful Google reviews and angry tweets. The Student Council worked with the Board of Education (BoE) last December to develop a policy of an entirely new caliber. They formed the Navigable Hallway Traffic Safety Association (NHTSA), a student-run organization aimed to administer the flow of human traffic at IHS. The NHTSA has written a set of rules and regulations and will work with school administrators to enforce them. “We feel pretty stupid not coming up with it much earlier,” BoE Representative and president of the NHTSA Van U. Cadillac ‘19 explained. “It’s obvious in hindsight, but creating this organization was a stroke of luck—it’s a true blessing to our school. We expect it to solve all other problems like poverty, global warming, or even the bathrooms here! . . Actually, I take that last one back. Sorry, I got ahead of myself.”
The idea to solve the traffic problem isn’t completely original at IHS, however. The Student Council’s honest but inadequate attempt to maintain some sort of order on stairwells in 2016 involved placing tape marks to guide the traffic, but ultimately was ineffective due to the lack of enforcement. Knowing this, Student Council President and NHTSA Chairman KaChow ‘19 took priority in making sure all students strictly follow the set guidelines. For example, security cameras driven by artificial intelligence will be dispersed throughout the school to capture and respond to the movements of every individual, serving both as speed detectors and student monitoring devices. With this implementation, security cameras will quintuple in quantity, intended to create a sense of order and safety. In E-building, however, the number of security cameras will not change, because the board members agreed that there were already more than enough just in the hallway corner in front of the Code Red closet.
“How will these implementations directly affect me?” you may be asking. Cadillac and KaChow insist that the transition to this new approach will be seamless. “Students will only be required to take a week-long course on walking and pass an exam before they are allowed to step foot in the campus. They’re also expected to purchase a set of side-view mirrors, turn signals, speedometers, and horns,” Cadillac said, “Aside from that, just follow the rules and you’ll be fine!”
IHS Hallway Traffic Rules and Regulations Handbook
- Definitions
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- Walker: An individual who walks.
- Non-walker: An individual who is unable to walk.
- Class hour: A 45-minute time period during which class takes place.
- Rush hour: A 5-minute time period that occurs between classes.
- Parking: Stopping at the side of the hallway to access one’s locker.
- Shoulder-width: The width of an average shoulder.
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- Information for Walkers
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- Penalties
- Penalties are assessed by cameras driven by an artificial intelligence program called LUVE.
- A walker’s penalty for a traffic violation or crime ranges from 0.01 to 1.00 points from the GPA depending on the severity of the violation and how bad a day LUVE is having.
- Penalties
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- Rules of the Hallways
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- Traffic Control
- All walkers must stay within the speed range of 2-4 mph (3-6 ft/s) during rush hours.
- Walkers must follow all signs and traffic lights and remain to the right of the lane line unless instructed by an administrator.
- In sections of hallways with lockers, there must always be a one-shoulder-width space where walkers are prohibited unless they are parking.
- Intersections and Turns
- Walkers must slow down to below 3 mph when making turns.
- Left Turns
- When making left turns, walkers must have a turning radius of at least three shoulder-widths to prevent collisions from oncoming traffic.
- Passing
- One does not need to pass; therefore you shall not pass.
- Parking
- The duration of a park must be no more than 45 seconds during rush hours.
- Emergencies
- Any emergency requires a staff member to accompany the student(s) related to the emergency. If quick transport is required, (1) a hold in place will be initiated during class hours, or (2) all students will be required to create a two shoulder-width path in the center of the hallway.
- Cellular or Mobile Telephones while Walking
- The current cell phone protocol has been extended to hallways; therefore all electronic devices must be turned off and put away.
- Traffic Control
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- Walking Tips
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- A hallway is approximately six shoulder-widths apart; therefore, walkers should avoid walking shoulder-to-shoulder in groups of three or more.
- Stagger your steps from the person in front of you—walking in unison may result in the amplifying disturbance of asbestos from the resonant frequency of the building matching the frequency of the steps.
- Do not tailgate, in order to prevent stepping on the heel of the person in front of you (and to prevent from looking like a creep).
- Do not make LUVE unhappy.