The bathrooms at IHS have long been a subject of discussion. However, the fact remains that no matter how tirelessly the dedicated custodial staff work to stock, clean, and maintain the bathrooms, all their efforts may very well be a lost cause.
Recently, a variation on the scholarly CRAAP research method was used to rate the IHS bathrooms using a set of rigorous criteria. In its original form, CRAAP is a method used in many college English courses to evaluate the quality and accuracy of information. While the central goal of the algorithm remains the same, the specific criteria have been slightly altered for the purpose of evaluating the IHS bathrooms.
This new variation of the classical method, similarly named CRAP, is constructed upon the following categories: Cleanliness and Visual Appearance, Range of Space in Relation to Population, Accessories and other Necessary Paraphernalia, and of course, the Putrid Factor.
Cleanliness and Visual Appearance contains several subcategories, ranking the aesthetics and cleanliness of the wall and floor tile, mirror(s), facilities, and whether there is graffiti.
Range of Space in Relation to Population rates the bathroom based on its size compared to its populus. This crowd factor is meticulously calculated using a three point system: first add the number of sinks and stalls (working or otherwise) and then subtract up to three points, depending on how excessively crowded the bathroom may be.
Accessories and other Necessary Paraphernalia assesses the functionality and existence of the sinks, toilet stalls, and paper towels and/or blow dryers (at least 1 per three stalls). This number is shown as a percent of the functioning facilities divided by the total facilities.
Finally, the Putrid Factor ranks the bathroom’s ‘rank,’ its overall smelliness between one and six points, where a 6 is a Tokyo cherry blossom on the first day of Spring, and a 1 is the festering inspiration apple Sir Isaac Newton kept in his desk drawer.
As anticipated, there were many variables and data to digest, but the algorithm successfully churned out a significant pile of CRAP. After considerable effort, the system was able to output the following results:
Kulp
Classification: ADEQUATE
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 8.5/9, or 94 percent
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 2/3, or 67 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 4/4, or 100 percent
- Putrid Factor: 5.5/6, or 92 percent
Total: 20/22, or 91 percent
K-wing
Classification: BARELY PASSABLE
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 11/13, or 81 percent
- -1 for toilet paper on the ceiling
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 14/14, or 100 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 11/16, or 69 percent
- Putrid Factor: 6/6, or 100 percent
Total: 42/49, or 86 percent
Upper H:
Classification: HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 10.5/11, or 95 percent
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 4/6, or 67 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 7/8, or 88 percent
- -1 for sinks taking an inordinate amount of time to turn off
- Putrid Factor: 5/6, or 83 percent
Total: 26.5/31, or 85 percent
Locker Rooms
Classification: DINGY
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 10/12, or 83 percent
- -1 for oxidized piping on sinks
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 9/11, or 82 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 10/14, or 71 percent
- Putrid Factor: 6/6, or 100 percent
Total: 35/43, or 81 percent
Upper G
Classification: PUNGENT
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 9.5/11, or 86 percent
- -0.5 for loudly buzzing light, -0.5 for words scratched onto the mirror
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 3.5/5, or 70 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 7/7, or 100 percent
- Putrid Factor: 4/6, or 67 percent
Total: 24/30, or 80 percent
Cafeteria Bathroom
Classification: ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 9/11, or 82 percent
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 4/7, or 57 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 9/12, or 75 percent
- Putrid Factor: 3/6, or 50 percent
Total: 25/36, or 69 percent
E-wing
Classification: MARGINALLY APOCALYPTIC
- Cleanliness and Visual Appearance: 6/11, or 55 percent
- -0.5 for burnt-out light in one stall, -0.5 for pipe sticking out of wall
- Range of Space in Relation to Population: 3/5, or 60 percent
- Accessories and Other Necessary Paraphernalia: 5/6, or 83 percent
- Putrid Factor: 2/6, or 33 percent
Total: 15/28, or 54 percent
Lower G (“Out of Order”)
Classification: LOCK. THE. DOOR.