A collection of some of my favorite horoscopes for the signs I’ve come up with throughout my time as Backpage Editor.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
From the April 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as April Fool’s Day Pranks”
Toothpaste in Oreos, baby, toothpaste in Oreos.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
From the February 2019 Issue:
“The Signs as Haikus I Wrote on Scrap Paper Throughout the School Week”
Nothing like going
Up the lake to think about
Oh you know the lake
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
From the November 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as Paintings of Dogs”
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
From the September 2017 Issue:
“Your School Year’s Fortune Telling”
Just because you think you understand it doesn’t mean you really do.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
From the October 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as Halloween Costumes That Surely No One Else Will Be”
A bookshelf with every encyclopedia volume except for “O.”
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
From the November 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as Paintings of Dogs”
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
From the November 2017 issue:
“The Signs as Things Ithacans Start Doing as It Gets Cold”
Tearfully tuck your flax clothing in the back of the closet, saying goodbye until spring.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
From the December 2018 issue:
“The Signs as the Twelve Days of Christmas”
Two Turtle Doves
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
From the December 2017 issue:
“The Signs as the Things You Wear in Winter”
Handschuhe? What’s that? The German word for gloves, pronounced almost exactly like “handshoe.” Shoes for your hands!
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
From the June 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as Inescapable Summer Ailments”
Swimming, swimming, swimming and then all of a sudden, something touches your foot, and you’re immediately sent into a whirlwind spiral of fear and confusion until you realize it was just some seaweed.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
From the October 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as Halloween Costumes That Surely No One Else Will Be.”
The kitchen sink. With food scraps stuck in the drain.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
From the February 2018 Issue:
“The Signs as Haikus I Wrote on Scrap Paper Throughout the School Week”
Yeah he’s got a brain
Does he know how to use it?
What about his heart?