Content warning: This story mentions self-harm and suicide.
Active Minds Club is a place for students to meet and talk freely and safely about mental illness with each other. They meet on Wednesdays during period 0 in G107.
My experience with mental illness has changed the way I act, look, and think. Living with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has changed my life and the way people treat me.
I remember in fifth grade, my anxiety increased and my parents thought that switching schools would help. I thought it would help too, but at the beginning of the school year I became bothered by touching objects that felt dirty to me. At first, I brushed it off and tried to hide it. I did not realize how serious it could get. I was diagnosed with OCD, which turned into a nightmare. Hiding my OCD was impossible because it impacted every part of my life. I was anxious and hopeless. Seeking relief and unsure how to get help, I started to self-harm by the end of the school year.
At the beginning of sixth grade, I was falling into the deep end. I was having mood swings, and the doctor told me I had bipolar disorder. Everything would soon crash down on me. My perceived need to self-harm was so out of control. I shut people out around me and was isolated at school; I felt alone. Eventually, depression took over. I could not function at school, and eventually, I was not allowed back. I had to change schools, again. I lost my friends, my ability to function, and my relationships with my family. I felt like my life was ruined.
My anxiety is constantly overwhelming. The smallest conflict feels like the end of the world. My mind always races to the worst possible outcome for everything. No amount of reassurance can make me feel like things will ever be okay. My worries consume me day and night. When I feel anxious, listening to music or drawing sometimes helps me feel better.
Life with OCD is difficult. Imagine walking into a room and feeling like if you touch anything, you will get so contaminated that no amount of washing can get you clean. I live life trying to avoid anything that feels like it will contaminate me, and I am always on the alert for possible contaminations. Whenever I try to read something, my mind is so fixated on many other things that it is impossible to focus. When I fixate on one OCD task, I cannot focus on anything else. The battle with OCD is one I continue to fight.
Living with bipolar disorder is like being on a roller coaster. My moods are constantly out of control. When I am depressed, the simplest tasks (such as getting out of bed) feel impossible. I would rather stay alone in my room and cry than be around friends or family. I feel hopeless and want to die. Then out of nowhere, my mood turns manic. This is not a happy manic, like most people think, but rather an anger raging in me. My racing thoughts make it impossible to focus. Even when I am healthy, I can never relax; I always know my next depressive or manic episode may be right around the corner.
My recovery has been slow and difficult, but I know I am on the right path. I stopped self-harming and now have other ways to cope. I am back at school as a freshman, and I am making new friends. It is difficult going to school and living every day. I may have visible scars on the outside, but I also have internal scars that no one sees. I try every day to improve my mental health and have made it a priority. I still see my doctor and counselor regularly. I have also taken a leadership role in the Active Minds Club at IHS, with the hope of spreading awareness of mental health. I am also hoping to help get rid of the stigma surrounding mental health illnesses so young people can seek help now.
My hope is that our school will become a place where students with mental health struggles do not feel they have to hide it and know they are not alone. To accomplish this, our school needs to start the conversation about mental health and give students a place where they feel safe being open about their struggles. It is time to shed the secrecy and shame surrounding mental health. Only then can we truly break the stigma and focus on getting people the help they need. I hope to use my personal struggles to do good in the world, and that is why I am sharing my story with you. Thank you for taking the time to read this and getting conversations started here at IHS about mental health.