Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue
The following message has been sent from the Totally Real College Board committee, to inform all students about future college-level classes that will be offered during the 2020-2021 academic year:
AP Lunch: In this yearlong course, students will be taught advanced methods of buying, handling, and consuming food. Workload typically consists of consuming varying degrees of food per night, which are expected to be completely eaten by the next day. As part of the final examination, students have to finish a three-pound plate of Brussels sprouts in one hour. So far, no one has passed this examination.
AP Chair: Teachers often complain that students never put their chairs up on desks at the end of school. In this single-semester course, students will be graded on their chair etiquette, including putting up chairs, taking down chairs, and that’s pretty much it actually.
AP Slack: In such a class, students are taught the widely-indulged act of procrastination. All assignments and examinations are not meant to be completed, but you get a bad score if you don’t finish them. Honestly, this class was designed to make students fail. What would you expect? If you sign up for this class you kind of deserve it.
AP Typeface: In this class, students will tediously study the history of fonts such as Arial, Helvetica, Futura, and of course, Comic Sans. The Comic Sans unit is actually the longest one, usually spanning over a three-month period.
AP Light: How many students does it take to fix a lightbulb? Well, students in this single-semester course will find out!
AP Tuition: In order to get students fully submerged in the college experience, the class asks for $50,000 from your family upfront. The rest of the two-semester class is just learning to struggle through the financial difficulties of losing fifty grand.
AP We’re Running Out of Ideas, Please Help: This class is completely dedicated to making students come up with more stupid and useless college-level classes because it is super tiring for us here at The College Board to keep thinking up new ones ourselves.
AP Pilot’s Education: Because we totally think it is a good idea to let high schoolers fly a Boeing 737.
We at the College Board committee hope both high school students and their parents are satisfied with these new college-level classes and just LEAVE US ALONE!