Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue
As the Democratic primaries eliminate one prominent unknown politician for months on end, Republican hopefuls have also begun to rally support for their party’s 2020 nomination. Although some skeptics have pointed to the incumbent president as the GOP’s foregone conclusion at this point, those of us on the Tattler News Network are always on the lookout for an inspiring underdog story.
First, and perhaps most prominently, is former congressman Joe Walsh. Walsh has run on a predominantly libertarian platform, and . . . wait . . . hold on. . . .
TNN Alert: Joe Walsh has dropped out of the 2020 race, after winning only 1.1 percent of the vote at the Iowa caucus. It is truly tragic to see someone with so much potential drop out, but the nation seems to have decided that it does not care about freedom anymore.
Well, with Joe Walsh out of the race, some lesser-known Republicans may finally have a substantial chance of becoming the GOP nominee for the 2020 presidential election.
Ronald Reagan III is an actor who has enjoyed moderate success in Hollywood and is looking to follow in his grandfather’s footsteps to assume the highest position of the land. Despite having no experience, expertise, or enthusiasm about his own campaign, he has managed to rally a truly ground-breaking 0.000087 percent of the vote in a recent survey conducted in Wyoming. Taking the most recent figure of Wyoming’s population, this statistic translates to precisely 0.5 people in support of the young nominee. Although many have pointed out the implausibility of the notion that half of a person can support a candidate, Reagan and his running mate, George H.W.Q.W.X.Z. Bush, still say they are confident that they can win the nomination come June.
Andrew Yang, better known for his run for the Democratic nomination earlier this year, has officially announced his candidacy for the GOP nomination as of this morning. Yang says that after competing against more than twenty candidates in the Democratic field, he is glad to finally be running in a field in which no one truly knows who will win in the end. When questioned about his strategy, Yang declined to comment to TNN, instead continuing to throw wads of a thousand one-dollar bills at anyone who was willing to pay attention to him.
In a shocking turn of events, it seems as though Jeb Bush is once again casting his lot onto the Republican field. However, his hubris for the presidency seems to have declined; rather than using the “Jeb!” logo of his failed 2016 campaign, all of his campaign buses now prominently feature the new “Jeb?” insignia.
The aforementioned candidates boast an impressive combined total of 0.00009 percent support in national surveys, indicating that President Trump may face much tougher competition for the Republican nomination than in 2016. Stay tuned on TNN as we break down this free-for-all, no-names-taken, anyone’s-game campaign for the next few months.