There was once a man named Harold. Mr. Harold Norman was an extremely wealthy man, drowning in riches and luxury. But Mr. Norman hadn’t always been so rich, and so he was plagued with the “Broke Boi Mentality”. As exceptionally rich as he was, he couldn’t help himself when it came to bargains. He still used coupons at the grocery store and only bought used Gucci. Despite this, he still had more money than he knew what to do with, and that plagued him. He frequently found himself come across bizarre and unnecessary conflicts due to his surplus of funds yet cheap nature. For example, he’d buy too much of something he loved…and ruin it quite thoroughly. One day he even bought an entire warehouse of pickles. Yes…pickles. Two-hundred thirty-six of them. He was, well, rather embarrassed when it came to that pickle of a regrettable purchase (pun intended). As you could see (or rather smell) from the aroma of the pickles spreading throughout his six-story, rhinestone-glazed mansion, the sheer power and ability to get anything and everything he could ever want casted a thick veil of boredom and fatigue over his daily life.
But then the summer of 2020 came around. It was exactly as chaotic as you might guess. And although the end might not seem all that savory, what could he say? He was bored in the house, and the isolation allowed his imagination to pierce through the veil that ever so frequently had previously created a shadow to restrict his field of possibility in the world that is entertainment. Now that veil had the capacity to be not only pierced, but cast aside entirely.
By ALEX CHAIRES ‘22
On any ordinary day, Mr. Norman was entrenched in routine. At exactly 5 a.m., he dragged himself out of his stiff IKEA bed. After allowing himself a minute to stare blankly at the wall, Harold pulled on his used Gucci and embarked on a brisk walk about the neighborhood. By seven, his favorite bakery would be open, and at 7:10, he strode through the door. Day in and day out, Mr. Norman spent his morning in his favorite seat by the window, drinking his black coffee and watching the world wake up. The rest of his day followed in a similarly orderly fashion. Every day was identical to the one before it and the one that would follow.
Then the pandemic hit and nothing was as it should be. His favorite bakery was closed. The usually bustling neighborhood seemed asleep and stayed that way all day. If Mr. Norman wanted to watch people and silently judge them, he had to turn to social media. Several companies sent him gratuitous emails attesting to their good will, but none of them provided any instruction or advice besides “stay inside.”
By DESI FURBER ‘22
Stay inside? How ridiculous. The best part of his day, of any day, was to be spent outside!
He got up at five, per usual, and picked up the morning newspaper at six, per usual. Hm, did the mailman always wear that cheerleader outfit? Mr. Norman was almost certain he hadn’t seen that before.
A loud, blaring headline about the pandemic. That was only novel for the first few days, getting old fast. An interview with those yellow folk who’d brought the darn virus here in the first place, with criticism flooding one for partying on campus and praise for another creating “musicales” on the internet. He snorted into his, unfortunately homemade, morning coffee. What a bunch of fools. Is this what made the news these days? A common college party and a re-spelling of an English word into French?
The featured comic on the back was just as confusing as… well, Mr. Norman was an individual in-touch with current events, just not so much with the current trends. A series of multi-colored pillowcases with pale stuffing peeking out of slits a quarter of the way down stood around a toy spaceship, all facing a bloodstained, cyan pillow. Curse millennial senses of humor.
After washing and dressing properly, he checked the clock. At seven, he would usually be headed out the door, but alas, someone had decided to eat a bat.
Perhaps today he might turn on the computer to something other than Facebook. He’d heard a great deal about the political breeding ground that was Twitter, after all. Perhaps a bit of Fox News; that was always fun to watch. What would the weather be like today? He drew back the blinds, only to slam them back when he saw the giant stuffed bears sitting in a spa on the neighbor’s front yard. Ugh, peasants.
By VICKY LU ‘ 22