In a stunning turn of events, Ithaca City School District (ICSD) Superintendent Luvelle Brown triumphantly announced at the Board of Education meeting last night that the lead in the schools’ pipes and water was completely eradicated. “With clean drinking water,” Brown exclaimed with a grin, “we can truly accomplish anything. It just goes to show how far a little tenacity and elbow grease can get you.”
The issue of lead in the drinking water has plagued ICSD since August 2015. In a particularly interesting interview with The Tattler, Brown described how he saved massive amounts of money in order to fix the problem: “Jason Trumble was the one who came up with the solution, actually,” he recanted. “It was two in the morning and he knocked on my door, still wearing his red and gold pajama pants, and told me he had an idea… and the rest is history.”
Legend has it Trumble figured out how to cut costs across the board. One change included ceasing to buy anti-vaping posters to hang up around the school after realizing that, although large in number, had little to no effect on the students. Another concrete solution was to eliminate the math elective Fractals and Chaos, claiming it was “just too chaotic” and the materials were overly expensive. The district also made the monumental decision to eliminate AP US History from the IHS curriculum. According to Trumble, the course was just about “a bunch of old white guys who did or didn’t do something for America. And besides, we have Hamilton to teach students that. It just made more sense to cut it.” By not having to purchase the course textbooks, the district is projected to save thousands of dollars—and, as an added bonus, students will be saved from hours of emotional distress.
The most effective solution, however, was cutting the funding to IHS’s renowned E-Sports club. Trumble noted, “Hey, I love League of Legends as much as the next guy. But there are just more pressing issues right now.” The saved money was allocated to replacing all the pipes in ICSD schools. If the district keeps making essential budget cuts to address internal issues, it’s quite possible that in the future, teachers might even be paid higher salaries, perhaps enough to lead a comfortable lifestyle—but “chances are quite low,” says Brown.
The question remains of why the district waited nearly six years to finally address the problem. Brown said he finally got the inspiration to take action while buying bowties off Amazon and listening to his Spotify “Hype Beast” playlist, which included songs like WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus, and The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) by Ylvis. While gazing into the distance, Brown, overcome with emotion, recounted his epiphany to a Tattler reporter: “I decided enough was enough. Much like Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion empowered women with their prominent words, I too felt empowered. I realized it was my turn to come in like a wrecking ball. It’s always, ‘what does the fox say?’ and never, ‘what can the fox do to help?’ I decided to change that.”
In the weeks to come, ICSD plans to reinstate the drinking fountains and gradually phase out the water coolers clad with plastic cups. When asked by a parent whether their next plan of action would be to address students’ crippling depression, the board members chortled and reassured the concerned parent they would do everything possible to cultivate a supportive culture of love for all 6000+ thinkers.
APRIL FOOLS’!