The NFL season is upon us, and with it all the intrigue it brings. Which teams will make the playoffs? Who will fall flat? The Tattler is proud to present these entirely accurate predictions for each team’s season.
AFC North
Cleveland Browns: Perfect until Deshaun Watson returns, penalties for roughing the passer comprise most of offense thereafter. Record: 11-5
Cincinnati Bengals: Joe Burrow delivers MVP-caliber season, unable to kick a single field goal until week 15. Record: 10-7 Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Tomlin wins Coach of the Year for buying all players Black Air Forces. Record: 8-8-1
Baltimore Ravens: Lamar Jackson gives up on throwing the ball, wildcat offense falters. Record: 6-11
AFC East
Buffalo Bills: Can’t believe a QB from Wyoming is favored to win a Super Bowl. Unenthusiastically predicting an undefeated season. Record: 17-0
Miami Dolphins: Tua Tagovailoa unable to throw ball more than 30 yards, still play in the AFC East. Record: 9-8
New England Patriots: Not even Belichick can pull enough mediocre white men out of his hat to save the squad. Record: 6-11 New York Jets: Typical Jets Season. Record: 3-14
AFC South
Indianapolis Colts: Matt Ryan brings a dose of the Falcons choking habit, would go 6-11 in any other division but play in the AFC South. Record: 9-8
Jacksonville Jaguars: Having a coach who doesn’t kick the players ends up benefiting them. Trevor Lawrence still able to nail lifeless monotone in Subway ads. Record: 7-10
Houston Texans: Davis Mills able to see his receivers clearly with his abnormally long neck, somehow the best team in Texas. Record: 6-11
Tennessee Titans: Ryan Tannehill is so forgettable my editor had to remind me his name wasn’t Matt. Record: 6-11
AFC West
Denver Broncos: Broncos Country, Let’s Ride. Record: 13-4
Kansas City Chiefs: Will somehow win 11 games with a running back named Clyde. Record: 11-6
Los Angeles Chargers: Their fan is going to be thrilled with this season! Record:11-6
Las Vegas Raiders: Every member of the team except Davante Adams and Derek Carr cut or put in jail by week 10. Record: Still 7-10
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings: Kirk Cousins proves again that he is the best quarterback in the league, Justin Jefferson 3,000 yard season incoming. Record: 12-5
Green Bay Packers: Aaron Rodgers unable to distinguish receivers
from the talking trees he hallucinates on the field after dropping acid before every game. Record: 8-9
Chicago Bears: God help me, I can’t even name a player to make fun of. Record: 4-13
Detroit Lions: Only through the incredible play of perennial MVP candidate Jared Goff will the Lions eke out four wins. Record: 4- 13
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles: Above average NFC East team. Record: 15-2. Washington Commanders: Carson Wentz revenge tour falls short once team remembers he lost an elimination game to Jacksonville. Record: Still 7-10.
New York Giants: Saquon Barkley’s massive legs drag the team to four wins. Daniel Jones unable to produce facial expressions outside of confused. Record: 4-13
Dallas Cowboys: Micah Parsons plays all positions on defense and is leading scorer, “this is our year” allegations die out by week two. Record: 1-16
NFC South
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Tom Brady leads the Bucs to a Super Bowl in an effort to not spend time with his family. Record: 13-4 New Orleans Saints: Jameis Winston finishes with first 40 TD, 40 INT season. Record: 9-8
Atlanta Falcons: Starting a QB with gray hair at the age of twenty- eight is a perfect recipe for success. Cordarrelle Patterson doubles as the top running back and safety in the league. Record: 6-11 Carolina Panthers: Baker Mayfield proves to the world why he was dropped by even the Cleveland Browns. Record: 3-14
NFC West
San Francisco 49ers: Trey Lance brings an unmatchable North Dakota State swagger. 13 running backs have over 300 rushing yards. Record: 11-6
Los Angeles Rams: Matt Stafford unable to throw to anybody but white receivers. Record: 9-8
Seattle Seahawks: Geno Smith is the second coming of Russell Wilson despite being only two years younger. Record: 8-9
Arizona Cardinals: Start the season strong before the new Call of Duty drops. Kyler Murray then leaves team over a conflict about how much homework he gets on double-XP weekends. Record: 6-11