As a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, I’ve comeacross plenty of people who have made their anti-gaystance clear. It deeply troubles me that anyone would protest human rights, of course, but what is also particularly
destructive (that people rarely discuss!) is the harmful behavior
often perpetrated by our “allies.” Even though it may seem
innocent, many behaviors that straight and cisgender people
exhibit are actually incredibly damaging to the queer community.
Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of microaggressions that negatively
affect us, and what you can do to change your behavior.
“Kissing the homies goodnight isn’t gay.” As innocent as this
may seem to some folx, this joke makes fun of men loving men
while also enforcing the idea that “gay” is a bad word. It’s not my
business to tell anyone what a friendship should look like, but
when this is used as an insensitive form of “comedy” to undermine
and shame gay men, it becomes a plague.
“I only kiss girls at parties…” Similarly to the point I made
above, this “trend” of girls joking about their experimentation with
female friends is not only homophobic, it significantly contributes
to the fetishization of queer women. I don’t think it’s fair to shame
girls for trying on new identities, especially at a time in their lives
when it’s vital, but the issue surrounding this is when the
experimentation is catered to the male gaze. Straight girls are often
shown being intimate with each other for men’s attention, which
encourages men to entertain their disgusting fantasies about queer
girls and contributes to the idea that any sexual or romantic
relationship is for the enjoyment of men. This feeds the patriarchy
that straight and queer women alike have been trying to break
down for centuries.
“I identify as an attack helicopter.” I don’t even want to
entertain this. When people make these jokes, they’re mocking the
ever-changing gender spectrum in a lazy attempt at humor. Not
fitting into hard-set labels is really challenging for gender non-
conforming people, which is why we now have such a diverse (yet
underrepresented) group of gender identities such as agender and
xenogender. Making fun of diversity in gender can significantly
hurt gender non-conforming and trans folx by implying that their
unique identities are frivolous or outlandish.
“So when are you gonna get the surgery?” Gender-affirming surgery is a personal decision. The assumption that all trans people want surgery is not only wrong, but it also speaks to the idea that to be “legitimately transgender,” you have to undergo hormone replacement therapy and/or surgery. There is no one way to be trans, and whether someone wants surgery or not doesn’t invalidate their identity.
“Don’t fall in love with me!” One thing that annoys me when coming out to people of the same sex is the assumption that I am automatically attracted to them. Chances are that even if I were, I’m probably not anymore. This takes the emphasis away from the person who’s coming out, and focuses on the incompetence of their trusted person.
“Will you be my gay best friend?” As much as I love a good trope, this is one that I don’t stand for. The idea of a “gay best friend” accompanying a straight girl pushes stereotypes about homosexuality in a lackluster, tired attempt at inclusion while framing the main character, who does virtually nothing for her friend besides saying “slay queen!” as a progressive and inclusive ally.
“I couldn’t even tell you were trans!” This is not a compliment. Unintentionally or not, you’re reinforcing the binary and the idea of “passing” as a trans person (the idea that you have to “look cisgender”) while centering the conversation around your point of view. I understand that this is usually meant with good intentions, but there are plenty of other ways to affirm trans friends–just ask them what makes them feel good!
So…what can I do to be a better ally?
1.Use people’s pronouns. Simple, yet effective.
2.Stand up against homophobia and transphobia when you see
it.
3.If you don’t know, ask or do your own research. It’s great to
learn, and for others to see that you care is really important.
4.Confront your own prejudice. The fact of the matter is that you’re probably biased because you’ve been taught an outdated set of standards. Reflect on yourself so that you can
be a better person to others.
1.Use peoples pronouns. Simple, yet effective.
2.Stand up against homophobia and transphobia when you see it.
136.If you don’t know, ask or do your own research. It’s great to
learn, and for others to see that you care is really important.
4.Confront your own prejudice. The fact of the matter is that
you’re probably biased because you’ve been taught an outdated
set of standards. Reflect on yourself so that you can be a better
person to others.
5.Listen to queer people. Don’t talk over us. The best thing you
can do for a person is to show them love unconditionally, and
that includes listening to them.
I commend all the well-intentioned allies out there and I
encourage you to keep learning, growing, and supporting each
other. Mistakes are bound to happen, and while they can have
negative outcomes, I see the humanity in you and have faith that
you will take this as a positive learning experience.
To all my queer readers and friends―you’re so loved. Never
forget that.