Disclaimer: All the content below is purely fictional, and if it wasn’t already clear, is also satirical.
It’s sixth period, and I’ve finished all my work. I’m sitting on one of the comfy red chairs at the front of the library. My phone is dead, and I haven’t picked up a book in two weeks. The one thing really left to do is People Watching. Unfortunately, the people who visit the library are not as exciting as one may expect. There are no mysterious dark-haired boys reading Anna Karenina, and the conversations are not eavesdrop-worthy. Almost everyone is either scrolling away on their phone, sleeping, or doing homework.
Maybe these boring people have more to them than what I can see. Like the girl hunched over her phone a few seats away—I decide that her name is Clara, and she’s actually an agent for Russia’s FSB. She’s come to our wonderful high school to recruit me, given my many talents and all. The phone is just a guise; she’s actually watching me. Clara secretly misses the good old days of the Soviet Union, which she was somehow alive for even though she looks like she can’t be older than seventeen. Besides, the KGB
paid her better than the FSB.
What about the scrawny theater kid sitting at one of the tables? On the surface, he may just be a far overused cliche, but deep down, there’s much more to him. His name will be Grady. Stupid name, I know. But that was my first boyfriend (first grade), so the name often comes to mind. Grady is actually a very deep individual, with thoughts much more profound than “I wonder if I’ll get to be Olaf in Frozen?” He’s secretly Remy from Ratatouille, and is doing his best to not get discovered by IHS students. He doesn’t even like to sing—he’s pretty bad at it, too. Grady wanted to join Culinary Club but was afraid that would immediately blow his cover. When Grady got to IHS from his rat hole in France, he was disgusted by how dirty everything was. “These humans live messier lives than French rats do,” he thinks condescendingly, shaking his pointy head. He looks back down at his phone, and
plugs in his headphones to listen to Newsies.
At the back of the library are two jocks, discussing working out and such. They treat the girls they date with utter disrespect and listen to Kanye West. They followed Andrew Tate on Instagram before his account got removed. Their hair has far too much gel in it, which they think makes them extremely attractive. (Girls don’t want football players, they want Harry Styles and Timothee Chalamet!!). They’re exactly what you would expect from two high school jocks. These are no ordinary jocks, though. They can try to act tough, but I know they’re really diehard Swifties. I see you two listening to Evermore, Tyler and Josh. No judgment though; it’s a great album. I’m actually listening to Taylor right now as well. Who would have thought two misogynists on steroids would have something in common with me? Tyler and Josh want to see Swift live, and their dream may finally come true since she’s supposedly planning a tour right now. Maybe I’ll see you there, guys, if Clara hasn’t already recruited me and taken me back to my homeland. Tyler and Josh also hate John Mayer, for how horrible he treated their idol. Mayer may need to hide after the release of Midnights. The jocks are coming for him.
I take an intermission from People Watching to glance down at a gray mouse sprint through the library and under a bookshelf. Grady’s ears perk up and he nervously looks around the room— rodents can sense each other, I suppose. Don’t worry, Grady, no one suspects you. Besides me, of course.
Some nameless administrator walks in to ask the librarian a question, but I can’t think up a backstory for this one. He’s just another overpaid and corrupt ICSD employee. Perhaps he goes home to his kids and feels remorse for all the teachers struggling to afford rent while he buys a second pool. Maybe he doesn’t feel remorse at all though.
The bell rings, so I guess this is all for now. Until next time.
Sincerely,
People Watcher