The Signs as Competitors in a Televised Baking Contest
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
In the penultimate round, you have a vision for the biggest, most romantic rainbow soufflé that ever was, but you’re so caught up in your vision of it that you bungle the recipe. The moment the judge cuts into your masterpiece, it lets out an unflattering burping noise and slowly deflates.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
You’ve made it to the final round through sheer ambition, intimidating your opponents into submission. Unfortunately, the competition is suspended when the judge takes one bite of your signature spicy brownies and needs to be rushed to the emergency room for exposure to excessive heat.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
You get passive-aggressive with the judge when they call your grandmother’s blueberry pie recipe “too basic,” so you vow to make traditional desserts for the rest of the competition.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You can’t choose between your fifteen signature recipes, so you combine them all! Sadly, your stroke of genius backfires when your gargantuan sugary creation topples over, right onto the judge’s head.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
The judge gives you a heap of constructive criticism when your Swiss roll malfunctions. You’re so sour that you get up in the middle of the night and make fifty perfect Swiss rolls by hand out of pure spite.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
Eager to impress the judges, you design an ice cream cake that will set off fireworks for the preliminary round. You get the timing wrong, though, spraying ice cream everywhere and resulting in immediate disqualification. Go big or go home!
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
Before the first round, you draw up a detailed game plan of how you’re going to win this competition, considering any and all external factors. The one thing you forgot to account for? Stage fright.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
You don’t want to get into a quarrel with a fellow competitor, so you wait until everyone else has their ingredients before getting yours. The only things left are almond milk, an avocado, and coffee beans. You end up making a splendid coffee cream cake, but you spend the entire time wallowing in misery and self-pity.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
Paranoid about being sabotaged, you keep all of your recipes and ingredients in a multi-lock safe. An hour before the competition begins, you realize that you forgot to write down the combination.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
You bite off more than you can chew when you try to make a croquembouche Eiffel Tower and end up getting sugar all over yourself. Everyone laughs it off, though, and at least it tastes good in the end.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
You’re set on making the smoothest, roundest galaxy raindrop cake ever seen on television. After persevering through many failed attempts, you finally succeed just as the timer sounds. You’re so proud of your creation that you don’t even realize that you forgot to put sugar in it.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
What do you mean, a quiche isn’t a dessert? You get into a heated argument with the judge and accidentally insult their intelligence, ruining your chances of winning. They just don’t understand your progressive thinking.