Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
As you’re hiking the Adirondacks one day, a slightly large squirrel will come out of nowhere and land on your head. You’ll scream, bash your head into a tree to get rid of it, and end up in the hospital with a severe concussion. The squirrel will get away unscathed.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Your brother will be annoying again, so you will throw the laundry basket at him. He will retaliate by throwing the TV at you. Ouch.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
At the zoo one day, a hippo will escape from its enclosure. As it eats innocent children, you will muster up the courage to jump on top of it and steer it away. However, you will forget that the hippo is covered in mud, so you’ll slide right off. And get trampled by it.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
A hawk will fly into your first-period class, right through that open window next to your desk. As it ferociously attacks your poor teacher, you’ll try to be the hero and grab the huge bird. It’ll just tear off your nose, before swooping down the hallway to attack Ms. Hardesty … who will quickly emerge victorious.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
You can take on absolutely any animal that gets in your way. Bring ‘em on.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
A coyote will show up on your doorstep. You will yell at it. It will jump at you. You will shove it away. It will bite off your head. The End.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
You think you’re all that and can fight any animal because you go to the gym twice a day. Yeah, well, apparently not … because when you try to wrestle a raccoon in Q-Gym, it will easily evade your grasp, while you’ll end up with a broken femur, bloody lip, and extreme humiliation.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
One by one, ants begin to take over your backpack. Despite your efforts to get rid of the anthill forming underneath all the binders, your bag will be destroyed by next week.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
You’re fed up with the classroom rat, so you will drop a potted plant on it. Too late: it will have already hidden under some tape covering up the asbestos. And you will have made a mess— there’ll be soil and leaves everywhere. Shame on you.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
You’ll battle a hammerhead shark while swimming in the Atlantic Ocean, and manage to blind it with your sequin-covered bathing suit. Good job!
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
A swarm of bees will follow you around the quad. As you run around, arms flailing wildly, your teachers will laugh hysterically from their classrooms. There’s no way to beat a swarm of bees.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
When a seagull in the quad steals the remaining half of your Cafeteria cookie, you’ll start a student-led rebellion against all animals besides people on the IHS campus. And guess what? You’ll succeed. Congrats.