Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
You will have an epiphany: no one has attempted another rap musical since Hamilton. No one, that is, until you. Your concept? The subprime mortgage crisis of 2008.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
Your single “peanut butter cigarettes” will go viral and before you know it, you’ll be catapulted into fame. Congratulations! Your fantasy of becoming Lana Del Rey will be one step closer to reality.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
You will become a country one-hit-wonder with your top song, “I Lost My Scrunchie in West Virginia.” Nothing to do then but spend your nights sad and alone in your pickup truck. Fun!
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
You’ll call yourself “CRUMPET” and you’ll be the biggest up-and-coming dungeon rapper out there. And you know what? Good on you, CRUMPET. The world’s your oyster.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
You will follow in the footsteps of iconic bands like The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, and Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros, and release your song, “Stomp Clap Hey.” Unfortunately, no one will care, since it’s not 2012.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
You will start a heavy metal garage band called Seatbelt Exorcism. Your hit song? “We’ll Have An Execution In Wegmans.”
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
You will decide to exclusively produce covers of Red Hot Chilli Pepper songs. No, I don’t know why either.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
The first show of your new k-pop group “Criez A Lot” will be ruined by one of your backup dancers falling off the stage. You’ll send her a get well card, but resent her forever.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You and your closest friends will join together in a barbershop quartet called The Sock Monkeys. I mean, if you’re having fun, I guess that’s all that matters.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
You’ll decide to pursue EDM DJ-ing. The only gig you’ll be able to book is at Collegetown Bagels, but hey, that’s a start!
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
You’ll want to go for the singer-songwriter vibe, so you’ll call your first album Catching Bubbles On My Coat. It’s a folk-indie-pop-shoegaze-dreamcore multimedia exploration. You’re insufferable.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
You’ll make classical covers of pop songs à la Bridgerton. Is it fulfilling? No. Does it pay the bills? Also no.