Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
You think winter clothes are for suckers and instead will choose to wear four or five layered T-shirts. It will make you very clumsy, but hey, if you fall, at least you’ll have padding.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
You will make a habit of setting small fires around the house to keep yourself warm. Somehow, you’ll overlook the perfectly good fireplace and decide to make a fire in the bathtub.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
You’ll hire a mob of goons to follow you around and constantly warm you with portable hair dryers. They’ll double as your new group of friends.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
The thermostat in your house will be nearly broken by the time you’re satisfied with the temperature in your house. 104 degrees Fahrenheit is the perfect temperature to keep you warm!
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
Who needs to stay warm? You’ll find an unusual delight in the icy bite of winter. Your beachwear and sandals will help you achieve an “authentic winter experience.”
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
You’re too stubborn to put on your ugly parka. Instead, you’ll boil gallons of water and drizzle it over the fresh snow. As long as there’s no snow, there’s no need for a coat, right?
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
It’s cold out? You won’t notice. You haven’t felt anything since 2016.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
On December 1, you’ll take a dip into your hot tub and you won’t come out until the new year. Your fingers will prune, but at least you’ll be comfy!
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
You’ll hear that exercise warms you up and incorporate it into your activities. You’ll sprint to school every day and do jumping jacks during class. You’ll be toasty and absolutely ripped.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
Forget Ithaca weather! You’re headed off to Australia for the winter to beat the cold. You’ll be back when the weather turns.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
You’ll finally finish your genius invention: a self-warming coat powered by nuclear fission. Even a small lump of uranium-235 will keep you warm for months!
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
How could you say no to your grandma’s knitted sweaters? She’s made at least a dozen for you in the past few months, so you figure it makes the most sense to wear them all at once.