There are several books that are undoubtedly red flags. I think most people can agree that reading Lolita or any Freud, Ayn Rand, or Nietzsche-equivalent in high school is not only insufferable, but downright alarming. That said, there are some subtler offenders out there that might be just as bad. Here are a few of my favorite literary red flags and my diagnosis accordingly:
- The Secret History by Donna Tartt: Everyone was obsessed with this book a few years ago, but having read it, I genuinely didn’t know how to feel or what to do with myself. Was it good? I was too distracted by the incest to tell. If you enjoyed this book, my advice would be to put on some comfy clothes, actually go outside, and go get a pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. Life is not your dark academia Pinterest board and being moody is not a personality. (This also applies to If We Were Villains and The Goldfinch.)
- Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan: Listen, I was definitely a Percy Jackson kid myself, but after a certain point, I think we just need to move on with our lives. Nostalgically rereading is one thing, but obsessively keeping up with the new series is another. In this case, I would prescribe registering to vote, learning to do your taxes, or otherwise being a functioning mature human being.
- Harry Potter and the Cursed Child by J.K. Rowling: Even putting aside everything we know about J. K. Rowling, this book would still be a red flag. While the original series definitely still has some sentimental value for its readers, this book has no such excuse, being released in 2016. Furthermore, it’s not even a book, it’s a screenplay. (Just for a second, think about the pretentiousness of a children’s author writing a screenplay.) I can’t express my disdain for this book enough. If you have this on your bookshelf, there’s nothing I can do to help you.
- Agatha Christie: If you own more than three Agatha Christie novels, I think both of us can agree that that’s a red flag. Those can’t possibly stay interesting after the first or second read (spoiler alert: it was the guy you thought you’d eliminated back in chapter two). At that point, stop being a baby and just get into true crime. You clearly want to.
- Spare by Prince Harry: You are not Oprah Winfrey.
Bonus round: If you’re still really into dystopian fiction past the age of thirteen, you’re slowly crossing the line from rebellious main character to political extremist and cuckoo conspiracy theorist. Either go read a romance novel or live off the grid. Either way, please stop talking.