A few months ago, I was feeling quite nostalgic. I opened up my laptop and logged onto my middle school Google Classroom pages for the first time in years. After scanning a few of my seventh grade English assignments and remembering classmates and teachers from that period of my life, I stumbled across class footage which had been recorded and posted to the page. I clicked on the video, put on my headphones, and began to listen.
My embarrassment and disgust in my middle school self was so profound that I have difficulty putting it into words. Obviously certain childish flaws such as an annoying squeaky voice and inarticulate speech are excusable. However, I cannot rationalize my immense arrogance. I watched myself beg my English teacher not to require revisions on my podcast because “Caedmon does not make mistakes.” Of course, that quote is paraphrased, but it captures the essence of my character. I could go on and on about my disappointment in my younger self, but perhaps the more important point is the ongoing rumination on the nature of personal change and progress which has plagued me since watching that recording.
I have a tendency towards depression and self-criticism, so I may not be representative of the entire population. However, at least to a certain extent, I think we are all hardwired to dislike our past selves. What that implies is that my thirty-year-old self will look back with disgust at the actions I commit today. One of the hardest things for us to do as humans is to forgive ourselves and learn from our actions at the same time. There are some who suppress their natural urge for self-criticism and act with narcissistic approval of all their actions. But while they forgive themselves, they do not improve upon their mistakes. Others have exactly the opposite problem. They continually search for perfection, acknowledging their many flaws. But they never stop to appreciate how far they have come.
This is the nature of human improvement. We fall into traps of self-loathing or narcissism and fail to accomplish the true end goal of self-actualization. Such failure could be ameliorated by a change in perspective. The theologian and author Rick Warren once said that “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” If only we would focus less on ourselves and see how truly small we are, we would achieve self-improvement.
At first glance, this assertion seems counterintuitive. After all, wouldn’t contemplating your own smallness produce depression, not positive change? That would be true, but only if you assume that smallness is depressing. Our insignificance lends urgency to our actions. Our lives are like wisps on the grand timeline of history. Because we are so very short lived and weak, we must devote all the energy we have towards positive ends. Hating ourselves accomplishes nothing and saps vast amounts of energy. The same is true for narcissism. It takes a great deal of energy to criticize or praise yourself continually. Redirecting that power towards actually making changes in your life will thus maximize the impact you can have during the few years you have.
In sum, most humans notice their flaws. We react by either ignoring them or fixating on them. Neither accomplishes anything but waste time and energy. Considering our insignificance, we cannot afford to waste any of our resources, for we will be dead and in the ground before we know it. For that reason, you should spend only as much time contemplating your faults as is useful in their remedy and only as much time celebrating your successes as necessary for the avoidance of burnout. Focus on making the world a better place through the improvement of your character. The world does not benefit from our self-hate, but it certainly profits from the time we do not waste.