Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
You’ll make up half of it, but it’ll be a bestseller. The cover will be an image of you wrestling a tiger while bungee jumping off a cliff (obviously photoshopped).
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
Your autobiography will be 700 pages, most of which will just be your inner musings. It will be so heavy that people are legally prohibited from bringing it on an airplane.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
The New York Times will describe your autobiography as a “heartfelt and poignant masterpiece.”
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
It’s a real shame that you will probably never finish your autobiography. You can’t remember anything from before 2018.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
People will mistake your autobiography for a supernatural horror story, and will be constantly misshelved in stores.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
Your autobiography will be made into a major motion picture which will receive a 62% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
Your autobiography will become a cautionary tale suitable for bedtime about the dangers of following distant bagpipes sounds into the woods.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
You’ll decide to write / your autobiography / fully in haiku.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
Some will call your autobiography an artistic and avant-garde commentary on contemporary life. Others will call it a crime.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
You’re too busy to write an autobiography. Instead, you’ll do something worth your while, like keeping up your Duolingo streak.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
After four straight all-nighters, you’ll finally document your life up to the present day, only to realize that you didn’t include the process of writing your autobiography. You’ll add that, but then you’ll be missing the decision to add it! Oh no!
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
You don’t listen to critics. Your autobiography will contain no punctuation whatsoever, except for extremely liberal usage in quotes from people you don’t like.