Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
You’ll stumble across an enormous supply of a commodity the whole country needs. Air. You’ll pack as much as you can into bottles and crates, but also open a ludicrously expensive amusement park right in the middle of your supply.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
You’re fed up with your town sending three live sacrifices a week to the elder purple dragon Chaculgora. You’ll form a rag-tag group of adventurers in a tavern and plot to slay the fiend and take its gold.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
The kids like TikTok dances, right? You’ll apply for patents on your newest dance move inventions, including the “Human Slinky” and the dangerous “Walk The Plank.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
You’ll charge for entry to an event you’ll hold in an enormous empty warehouse. You’ll spend your whole budget on advertising and figure that FOMO alone will be enough to convince potential attendees. No refunds!
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
You’re ready for stardom as a kazoo virtuoso. You’ll stop leaving home as you practice for ten hours each day, to the great annoyance of your family and neighbors.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
You’re old-school. A quick pyramid scheme over Facebook is a timeless classic you’ll happily reboot whenever you’re low on cash.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
After seeing how your peers are chronically sleep-deprived, you’ll save them from tiredness by charging to re-caffeinate their decaf. You plan to save up for the real deal: adding cocaine back to Coca-Cola.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
You’ll go massively in debt to hire a team of researchers to develop the first real-life lightsaber. After nine months of failure, it’ll all be worth it when you realize your team has accidentally invented a better mousetrap.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
You’ll create your own cryptocurrency called ‘Sigmacoin’ that panders to everyone as unique and successful as you. Sigmacoin to the moooon!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
You’ll sell “premium” bubble tea starting at five-hundred dollars. All customers are required to sign a non-disclosure agreement, so the only way someone will be able to find out what the big deal is will be to buy it themself.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
You’ll invest all of your money into IKEA-brand stuffed animals and keep them safe in a climate-controlled environment with plenty of space and healthy food. They’ll look so happy that you won’t be able to bear selling them. Oops.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
Plain and simple. You’ll rob a bank.