Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
Circular motion will give you an existential crisis. Stay away from revolving doors and conveyor belts unless you want to fall into despair pondering the bleak future of humanity as you watch the world go round and round.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
Just as you’re nearing the completion of one of your longtime goals, a stranger in a trench coat will approach you with a gold-embossed invitation to a clandestine underground competition. Beware the large cash prize or the promise of fame—it’s all a distraction, keeping you from reaching your potential.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
The ice cream is out to get you this month. It isn’t what you think it is. Even colors will start to betray you—pink is lobster, not strawberry, and those chocolate chips in your mint ice cream will actually be raisins.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
Stay away from bakeries. A particularly nefarious choice between two delicious-looking desserts will leave you unable to decide as you hold up the line. Eventually, you might cave under the pressure and pick one at random, then spend the rest of the day wondering if the other would have tasted better.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
Beware of impromptu therapy sessions. This month’s conversations will turn too touchy-feely for your liking. Prepare a few stock phrases to get your friends off your back—“I don’t want to talk about it” works just fine.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
Take extra caution while practicing your acceptance speech for your Oscar, Nobel Prize, or whatever honor you’ve set your sights on. It’s great to have aspirations, but not in the middle of a busy street.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
Watch out for impending chaos. On a certain day of the month, a multitude of extraneous factors will collide with your plans, derailing the careful steps you’ve outlined in your to-do list. But that’s okay, because you’ll already have prepared three different backup plans.
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
Be extra vigilant when committing yourself to social gatherings. Trouble is brewing in the air, and a heated argument will break out between two people you’re close to at the most unexpected time, forcing you to step in as mediator.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
Keep your prized possessions under lock and key, or else one day, you’ll return home to find a beloved object destroyed, defiled, or gone forever. Betrayed by the one person you trusted, this experience will teach you that the only person you can rely on is yourself.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
As you’re doing your homework this month, beware of wandering off the trail. You’ll stumble upon a concept that intrigues you so much that you tumble down an internet rabbit hole of textbook entries, Reddit posts, and obscure YouTube channels. Careful not to go too deep, or you might not make it out the other side.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
Don’t trust the Play-Doh. No matter how skeptical you are of the chances of encountering Play-Doh, it will find its way into your life at the most unexpected and inopportune of moments. Remember what you’re working for, and don’t lose yourself to its shiny, time-consuming allure.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Watch out for an invitation to an exclusive event benefitting a cause you’re passionate about, because upon arriving in tip-top shape, showing off your best outfit, you’ll discover that it’s actually a sham to get you to buy a sponsored product.