Nestled away at the very back of E-wings rest a dozen old, rusted filing cabinets. Within these cabinets are bundles upon bundles of bygone editions of The Tattler, which allow us to peer into the lives and minds of past IHS students. As The Tattler’s newest archivist, it is my pleasure to give these articles a second life! I do hope you enjoy.
February 1892
Green butter found in IHS cafeteria
by David Nosanchuck
This is a true story. It is about the day I found green butter in the IHS cafeteria. I’ll start at the beginning. I was standing in the lunch line with two friends. I remember that we were discussing the lime green peas from two months ago…
At this point your eagle-eyed reporter spotted the butter. “Hey, you’ve got green butter!” I was told to leave it for someone else, but being a scoop reporter I kept it. As I was leaving the line I spotted a teacher of mine (whose name is being withheld lest this should incriminate him at a future date). I asked his advice on the green butter and he suggested I take it over to the board building and show it to Gary Lindenbaum, who is in charge of school district finances and purchasing.
Before venturing out in the cold to get to the board building I sat down at a lunch table for a few minutes. I urged a friend at the table to come with me on my venture. “Aw, come on!” “I want to eat my lunch!” After that exchange another kid put in a quarter’s worth of advice. “You gotta go about this carefully, take the butter to Steinbaugh (of the science department). Ask him if it’s mold.”
I then left and gave Wayne Steinbaugh the butter, asking him to see if it was alive. “Please check it out, whoops it just moved!” “Sure, come back later,” he said, walking off with it.
When I went back later that day, I took a look at it under the microscope. The butter didn’t even look like butter, and it was all very fuzzy. Then I realized the microscope wasn’t in focus— brilliance on my part. Once it was focused, it wasn’t as fuzzy, but it sure looked green. I’ll tell you that butter wasn’t normal. I was then filled in by Steinbaugh himself. “Now it might not be a mold. The green may be from the knives,” (as if that was going to console me—who wants green knives?) “It sure looks like mold,” he continued. “Thanks.”
I took the butter to computer class. There I recounted my odyssey. I then turned to a friend with long, stringy hair. “Hey, you.” “Yeah.” “You know Gary Lindenbaum?” “Yeah.” “Do you want to come over to see him with me?” “Sure, let’s go.”
We made our way over to the board building. After entering we marched over to the first desk and demanded to see Lindenbaum, carefully cradling our precious evidence, of course. We were informed that he was out. We knew better, but left the story and the butter with the secretary.
The next day I asked the lunch lady if the pizza was green. “You were the one, huh?” (I guess she heard.)
June 1921
Morals
by H. T. C.
Late to arise,
Late to the school.
A. H. was wise,
I’d broken the rule.
M. L. M. S. told me
To go to my classes.
“But I’ll see you later
When Room 209 passes,”
My math was so dense,
I couldn’t see thru it.
Her wrath was intense
‘Cause I couldn’t do it.
“3:30 to 5:00,”
She said to come in.
2 places alive?
Or was I a twin?
And so for the rest
I had to stay too,
Six of ’em at best
Before I was thru.
I didn’t quite know
Just how to be split,
So no favor to show,
At 3:30 I quit.
But now I will say
Put off ’till tomorrow
That which today
Will cause you much sorrow.
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