Dear IHS Students,
A few of you may know me as your current or former US History teacher, but to most of you, I am just the cranky old man sitting outside the upper-H bathroom during fifth period. I write in the latter capacity, with a few suggestions to make your life—and, much more importantly, my life—easier (and, let’s face it, I’m a lot closer to the end of life than you, so I need to enjoy every minute).
Despite its obvious attractions, and its potential for “relationship building” with students (which is, apparently, what I am supposed to be doing while sitting in the hall), bathroom duty is not my idea of a dream job. I would much rather be grading papers, creating lessons, walking across hot coals, wrestling alligators, or even meeting with colleagues than to be sitting in the hall, staring into a bathroom.
However, I have a job to do, and bills to pay—so despite the dreams of duty-free retirement dancing through my head, do it I must. That said, my main goal is to get through bathroom duty with as little drama as possible (and my job intact). Thus, my suggestions:
1. Unless there is a fire alarm blaring, an eight-foot-long python slithering around on the floor, or an ABBA tribute band on the loose, do not leave your classroom without a pass. Going to the nurse? Get a pass. Getting water? Get a pass. Sneaking out of school? Get a pass. ABBA tribute band? No pass necessary.
2. Don’t take it personally when I ask you to show me a pass. After all, I probably don’t even know you. If you notice that I didn’t ask someone else for a pass, it is because I already saw it, or because I am simply lost in thought—no doubt contemplating whether Gabriele Veneziano or Leonard Susskind deserves credit for developing string theory, how it is I manage to always drive the ball over the road at Hillendale, or why I needed to get a master’s degree to guard bathrooms—and didn’t notice them. Whatever the reason, it isn’t personal. Really.
3. I don’t have X-ray vision. That lanyard dangling from your pocket? It might be attached to a pass, or it might be the keys to your Uncle Joe’s pick-up. That piece of paper you are waving? It might be a pass, but it could be your Aunt Betsy’s chocolate chip cookie recipe. Take a minute and show it to me. Please.
4. If, for some reason, you did leave the classroom without a pass, then, please, stop, tell me your name, and explain why you are in the hall without a pass. “Dude, I’m outta here” is not really an appropriate response if you are an athlete who has been released early to go to a baseball game—although it is acceptable if you are fleeing from an eight-foot-long python.
5. Don’t hang out in the bathroom. Honestly, this puzzles me. Bathrooms are unsanitary and smell bad—and you are forcing people who need to use the restroom to wait. Why hang out there?
6. Be polite. In general, you will be surprised at how far being polite and respectful will take you in life—including, but not only, to the bathroom.
Finally, I would like to conclude with a note not to IHS students, but to the ICSD Board of Education: If you truly care about making teachers more effective and productive, don’t extend the workday—which will simply exhaust and demoralize teachers—but, instead, relieve teachers from having to spend a substantial portion of their day guarding bathrooms. Just imagine how much more effective teachers might be if they had a class period every day to meet with students, grade papers, talk with colleagues, etc.
Thanks for reading, and may you never have to spend forty-seven minutes a day staring into a lavatory,
Mr. Jordan