Voicemail #437

0:00
Hi, I’m just calling to…actually, I don’t know why I’m calling. I miss your voice, I guess. But I don’t really have all that much to say. Or, anything new to say, that is. Bombed a test today. Wrote a really…crappy…essay at around 10:30 last night, probably right after I called you. What have you been up to? Are you busy? I know that’s not why you’re dodging my calls, but I like to think it is…maybe you really are just busy.

0:28
Look, I don’t know what I did. Okay? God, I wish I were that self-aware, but we can’t all know exactly what it is we’re doing wrong. If we did, the world would be a hell of a lot better. That’s what I think. Anyway, this is to say if you want me to do better, you have to tell me what’s got you so butthurt. Maybe you just want to see me fail. Is that it? You want to see me fail at fixing whatever this relationship has become because you just haven’t seen me fall enough times for your satisfaction. Or maybe you’re waiting for the one time I finally can’t pick myself up again.

0:52
Well, this is me telling you I surrender. Okay? I admit defeat. In fact, I will do literally whatever it takes to talk to you again. That’s why I’m calling you a billion times a week, right? Humiliating myself over speaker phone so you can listen to me, sitting on your bed with a bag of chips in your lap, and deciding for the four hundred thirty seventh time not to call me back? Please call me back. Please. You haven’t blocked me yet. That’s a sign, right? You’re willing to talk? I will never call you again if you just call me back once. I swear.

1:10
I get it. I’m not the best conversation partner in the world. I’m not the best partner in the world. Come to think of it, why did you even bother with me in the first place? I’m nothing, I’m no one…that’s why you stopped taking my calls. It’s because you finally figured out just how much of a pathetic loser I am. God, I sound self-pitying. Who am I kidding? I absolutely am self-pitying. I’m sorry I’ve subjected you to myself all this time. Truly.

1:47
…good talk, I guess. Not like old times, but I don’t think we’ll ever get back to old times. Just…call me, okay? We can try again, at the very least.

1:54
Good night. Talk to you tomorrow.