oh baby baby how was i supposed 2 know that something wasn’t right here? oh baby baby i shouldn’t have let u go… and now…
Posts published in “April Fools’”
It Doesn’t End With Us
By COLLEEN WHOOVER on April 2025
I met him on a Tuesday—the sort of Tuesday that feels like Monday’s twin. The sky was gray outside of the Planet Fitness I was…
Knowledge: the pursuit. Trivial, fantastical, utterly inconsequential. Why try? Who among men (or women) should dare to hope for mental rejuvenation? We are what we…
Stapler
By STATIONERY on April 2025
Two puncture wounds, Vampire bite, Bound, Together.
A Bathroom Odyssey
By SCRUB DADDY on April 2025
Locked. The bathroom doors by the Q Gym make faces at me, taunting me and the neon hall pass that swings by my legs. I…
Haikus My English Teacher Is Making Me Submit to The Tattler
By PAIGE BLANK on April 2025
My family meanseverything to me they aresupportive and stuff Earth’s overheatingBut there’s ice in my coffeeSo everything’s fine You never repliedto the Snap of my…
IHS to Hold the 2028 Summer Olympics
By THE GHOST OF BLISS GYM on April 2025
It’s official: IHS will be hosting the 2028 Summer Olympics! In the coming months, students can expect many changes to accommodate this decision. Construction for…
March 14 marked everyone’s favorite day of the year, the annual IHS Relay Race. Teams of teachers get pitted against each other in a battle…
This week, a freshman in Studio Art (who prefers to remain anonymous “for the mystique”) wowed art critics and enjoyers worldwide with their newest artwork.…
Hallway Navigation Made Easy with the IHS Traffic Guard
By THERESA CLARKSON on April 2025
Ding…!” At the melodious ringing of the IHS bell, hundreds of students rush out of classrooms into the narrow hallways, and the chatter of voices…
Local SoundCloud Rapper Mourns Mainstream Success
By PROFESSIONAL GATEKEEPER on April 2025
If you’ve ever walked under the bridge near IHS and have seen someone huddled over their phone shouting a freestyle into their voice memos, you’ve…
Sad Child Cries at Ithaca Restaurant
By NONN SEQUATOURE on April 2025
Every cultured American has heard of the twelve Olympian gods. However, only a few have considered: where are all of the moose? Many Greek myths…
The Shoveling Must Go On!
By A PRINCIPLED ANARCHIST on April 2025
ver the past several years, ICSD snow days have been steadily declining. Some point to climate change or abnormally warm winters, but the true culprit…
Honest Reviews: Air Quality at IHS
By CHO KING, KANT BREATHE on April 2025
Disclaimer: Many of these ratings were written before bathroom monitoring was instated and is not indicative of the current air quality. HS’s air is just…
Chronic Absenteeism at IHS
By A. WALL on April 2025
IHS administrators are facing an unprecedented crisis: students are treating attendance like a suggestion rather than a requirement. With more empty desks than occupied ones,…
ICSD Signs Executive Deal to Buy TikTok
By DOOM SCROLLER on April 2025
In a “not-so-top-secret” deal made last Thursday, ICSD purchased TikTok, saving it from any possibility of being banned in the US. How the district was…
IHS Should Expand New Bathroom Policies to All Areas of Student Life
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on April 2025
Disclaimer: The Tattler Editorial Board understands that the bathroom monitors were implemented for student safety and does not intend to mock any situations that made…
After decades of community tensions over the ICSD budget and ever-climbing property taxes, Cornell finally gave in to community pressure to do its part in…
Enron’s Unconventional Revival: Parody or Genuine Comeback?
By BENJAMIN YOU on April 2025
Enron, once infamous as a symbol of corporate scandal following its 2001 bankruptcy and massive accounting fraud, has made a striking return under 28-year-old CEO…
“Stone”-Cold Criminal: IHS Student Defaces Country’s Founding Document
By SUMBAHDY ELLS, THEMAN INQUESTION on April 2025
Last Monday, the FBI detained Chester Stone ’25 as he was entering sixth period English. In front of his peers, Stone was pushed up against…
The Political Hate Room
By MR. DISSIDENT on April 2025
Emotions are running wild following the first several months of Donald Trump’s second presidential term. Many liberal students at IHS feel disenchanted with the political…
ICSD Announces Plan to Replace All Bathrooms With Administrative Offices
By QUARTERS FOR RESTROOM SECURITY on April 2025
In a recent wire communication from the admin fortress, it was announced that all bathrooms in ICSD buildings are to be replaced with administration offices…
The Tattler Declares War on TV Production Club
By WROOS NIGHTER on April 2025
The Tattler vs. TV Production Club War Map. Last week, the Tattler Editorial Board released a statement declaring war on TV Production Club. TV Production…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on April 2023
April Events
By MARY BERRY on April 2023
Apr. 1 Apr. 3 Apr. 12 Apr. 17 Apr. 18 Apr. 21 Apr. 23 Apr. 27 Apr. 29 Apr. 31
Toxic
By B. JEAN SPEARS on April 2023
With a taste of your lips, I’m on a ride You’re toxic, I’m slippin’ under With a taste of a poison paradise I’m addicted to…
The Tiny Man
By ELMBURT on April 2023
There once was a man named Luvelle Whose head was as shiny as a bell He had only one plight And that was his height…