Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Just like the true socialite you are, you’ll treat yourself with social gatherings. With you, the fun starts at…
Posts published in “Back Page”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’ll be ready as soon as Indian Creek Farm opens to pick fresh produce! You’ll enjoy their slushies and…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Guess what? That guy you met in the fast food line is actually a billionaire. He’ll be paying for…
What Valentine’s Gifts You’ll Receive, According to Your Star Sign
By ZADIE WANG on February 2025
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’ll be surprised with a big red box of conversation hearts adorned with messages that read “Hug Me”, “XOXO”,…
A Genie Appears and Your First Wish is __, According to Your Sign
By VALENTINA LEBRET on November 2024
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): Access to all the world’s knowledge! The genie will hand you a cell phone (because we’re living in the…
People to Have Over for Thanksgiving
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on November 2024
Cool 🙂 Sleeping Baby The Chef The Napper Football Uncle Mariah Carey The Ipad Kid Crying Baby Rats My Cousin Milton Uncool 🙁
What Are You Doing For Halloween, According to Your Sign?
By NETTA JOACHIMS, SEBY DUFRENSE on October 2024
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): You’ll go out with your friends, but spend the whole night quietly thinking to yourself. Despite this, you’ll still…
What’s Your Next Big Accomplishment, According to Your Sign?
By ZADIE WANG on September 2024
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): All of that practice in the kitchen will pay off soon–you’ll be able to cook an entire breakfast, lunch,…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on September 2024
Cool🙂 Freshman Tattler Writers Truffle Pigs Pommel Horse Guy Clark Kent Truffles Australian Breakdancer Basic Smiling emoji Doping Warm Ithacan winter Uncool:(
The Coolest Thing You’ll Do During Freshman Year of College, According To Your Star Sign
By Phoebe Colvin, RUBY ZAWEL on June 2024
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22): Your professor will ask you to accompany them as a co-researcher on a trip to the Galápagos, where you…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on June 2024
Cool🙂 Graduating Seniors Quad Ducklings Senior Assassin Form O Form A May heat wave Quad Deforestation Seniors Graduating Uncool:(
Your New Favorite Food(s), Based on Your Sign
By ZADIE WANG on May 2024
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): You’ll find yourself mourning the cannoli dip from the cafeteria and embark on a quest to make your own,…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on May 2024
Cool 🙂 Associate Principal Ewing New E-Wing Senioritis Normal Ducks Weird Ducks Rubber Ducks Grapes? Tonsilitis Arts Quad Fencing Uncool 🙁
Each Sign’s New Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
By TARAN KNUTSON on March 2024
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): You’ll stumble across an enormous supply of a commodity the whole country needs. Air. You’ll pack as much as…
What You Need to Watch Out for This Month
By TANIA HAO on March 2024
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Circular motion will give you an existential crisis. Stay away from revolving doors and conveyor belts unless you want…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on March 2024
Cool 🙂 Applying for The Tattler Editorial Board The Community Market National Pig Day Red squirrels Olives Gray Squirrels Olive, Montana February heat wave Daylight…
Each Sign’s Upcoming Autobiography
By NATALIE PATRONE on February 2024
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): You’ll make up half of it, but it’ll be a bestseller. The cover will be an image of you…
Coolness Spectrum February 2024
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on February 2024
Cool 🙂 “Creating a distraction-free environment” x7 Opals Being halfway through the school year Galentine’s/Palentine’s day Valentine’s day IHS ghosts College students coming back Wrong…
Your New House Decor, According to Your Star Sign
By TARAN KNUTSON, VALENTINA LEBRET on December 2023
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You’ll read a book about how caring for plants can help with stress, and suddenly you’ll have a watering…
December Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on December 2023
Cool 🙂 Free Lunch Spotify Wrapped Fuzzy Socks Sleighing Holiday Sweaters Mushy Tomatoes Toe Socks “Melk” 25 Cent Pads Uncool 🙁
How Will Your Sign Stay Warm This Month?
By TARAN KNUTSON, ZADIE WANG on November 2023
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): You think winter clothes are for suckers and instead will choose to wear four or five layered T-shirts. It…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on November 2023
Cool 🙂 “Now and Then” Water towers Anacondas Papa’s Freezeria Straws Anything with “crypto” in it Cleaning mouse traps Soggy cereal Ticks Uncool 🙁
Your New Musical Career, According To Your Star Sign
By VALENTINA LEBRET on October 2023
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You will have an epiphany: no one has attempted another rap musical since Hamilton. No one, that is, until…
In The Interest Of Balance – An Arsonist’s Perspective
By TARAN KNUTSON on September 2023
Editor’s note: The following article is intended as a joke and should not be interpreted as a legitimate defense of arson. Please do not commit…
Your New Obscure Community, According to Your Star Sign
By ZADIE WANG on September 2023
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You may have never imagined that the pet food taste-testing community would be for you, but it certainly is.…
The Coolness Spectrum
By THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD on September 2023
Cool 🙂 New Teachers and Staff New E-wing School Cookies Apple Juice Bowl Cuts Rugburn Z X Starbucks Uncool 🙁
My Ideas For Conspiracy Theories
By TARAN KNUTSON on June 2023
Maybe… …the moon landing was real, but the moon takeoff was fake! …the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is secretly controlled by the…