The halls of IHS have become filled with students who prey upon our downfall. Coming to school and being subjected to the presence of these people on a daily basis is too much for anyone to handle. Thus, I write this as a desperate attempt to convince the IHS administration to make some changes, ridding our school of these people for good.
1. Ban PDA couples:
It’s 8:58 am, the start of a glorious day at IHS, and a couple in front of me is holding on to each other for dear life. They’re whispering promises of love in each other’s ears. How will they survive forty minutes without the soulmate they met just two weeks ago in the IHS cafeteria lunchline? I turn the corner and walk head-first into a Freshman couple kissing through their masks. How can we be expected to learn in such an environment? These “people” need to be expelled or at least separated for life. The hugs can wait till after school; they are not necessary between every period. If you’re one of these dreadful people, I’d like to remind you: the love of your life will still be there at 3:45 PM. They won’t drop dead between Geometry and Global I (probably). Couples who aggressively hug, hold hands, and kiss in the halls deserve expulsion or worse. After all, we all know that PDA stands for “Pestilent and Despicable Attachment,” and to save ourselves from these poor souls, we must rid our school of them.
2. Ban college merch-wearing wannabes:
The sheer quantity of Harvard sweaters I see underclassmen wearing is absolutely ridiculous. Why are you wearing a Harvard sweater as a 14-year-old with a 3.19 GPA? At this point, you’re just jinxing yourself. Not that you had any chance of getting in anyways, but still. In my humble opinion, people should have to show proof of admission if wearing any college merch. If unable to do so, Ms. Hardesty can escort them out of the school.
3. Ban NCAA D1 recruits in the sport of “P.E.”:
Yes, we all need to take gym to graduate. And yes, if you want a decent grade, you need to at least pretend to participate. I can acknowledge these two truths. But it’s a Monday morning and I haven’t had my coffee yet and you’re jumping five feet in the air to catch a green handball. You’re bulldozing people to the ground and screaming and losing your mind when your teammate misses the goal. This is the world of gym try-hards And let me tell you: no one likes the gym try-hards. This is a plea to Mr. Trumble: please ban these menaces from our school. High school is already miserable enough, and we don’t need P.E. NCAA D1 recruits making our days even worse.
4. Ban February short-wearers:
You’re not cool and quirky because you wear shorts in the middle of winter—you’re deranged. It’s seven degrees with wind chill, and you’re wearing Adidas shorts and no jacket. I will personally take on the role of standing at every single IHS entrance and turning away students who show up dressed like this. Dress codes are an inherently misogynistic concept, but it wouldn’t hurt to add a rule about dressing appropriately for the weather. You think girls’ shoulders are distracting? Seeing delusional imbeciles in shorts during February is much more disruptive.
