A Genie Appears and Your First Wish is __, According to Your Sign

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):

Access to all the world’s knowledge! The genie will hand you a cell phone (because we’re living in the Information Age, get it?).

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):

To be a millionaire! Unfortunately, US currency will have lost all value after the turkey incident, and so a bushel of apples will cost upwards of a thousand dollars.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):

To have dinner with George Washington! You’ll have so much you want to ask him, but he’ll spend the entire time asking to watch Hamilton… again.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):

All you want is a dog, so the genie will take pity on you. You’ll get a dog, live happily ever after, the end. Lucky you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20):

Equality for all! Good news, the US economy will have collapsed and we’ll live under a communist dictatorship. So… kind of?

Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):

Longer Thanksgiving break! Apparently you learned nothing from our “two week vacation” in March, 2020.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):

Immortality! No loopholes, just turns out immortality kind of sucks.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):

To be the most beautiful person on earth! After the complete collapse of the US as a world power, billionaires will lead the charge into space. Huh, looks like you’ll be the only one left.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):

Infinite wishes! You’re not that smart.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):

Infinite genies! You’re still not that smart.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):

For everyone to have a good Thanksgiving! It’s very sweet of you, but the US will spend all its money breeding the plumpest, juiciest turkeys in American history, and the national debt will skyrocket.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):

World peace! The genie will mishear and think you said “whirled peas.” Yum?