In a recent announcement, district spokesperson Billy Bozawkowitz announced that students could expect “only five times as much” homework during the 2017–18 school year. Since students already spend very little time sleeping, the extra time for homework would have to come from other important activities.
“We’ve tried to find the ideal balance of time spent in school, homework, sleep, and other things, and we discovered that homework would ideally replace the others,” said Bozawkowitz, who was also speaking on behalf of the Department of Unilateral Mindless Bureaucracy (DUMB). Under the new policy, the school day would end at noon to allow students to go home and start their homework earlier, shortening classes to slightly less than 23 minutes, with a one-minute break between periods. Bus drivers would be required to drive at least 20 mph over the speed limit to get students home faster.
“Look, we get that this will be a big issue for student safety, but since we’ve been depriving them of sleep for so long, how bad are a few broken bones? And let’s face it, it’s totally worth getting home sooner to get a better education!” Bozawkowitz said.
However, these changes wouldn’t allow students to do the optimal 21 hours per day of homework. To further allow students to study, the district will spend $150,000—equivalent to about three teachers’ salaries—on ACME finger-shocking keyboards. “We realized the human body tries to fall asleep,” said Bozawkowitz, “so we needed to give students something to help them stay awake. These devices use a student’s Chromebook camera to tell when they’re falling asleep, and then give them an electric shock to wake them up.” Bozawkowitz also admitted that there were occasional problems with students getting randomly electrocuted if they paused while typing for too long. Still, he was very positive about the new technology and policy: “We have full faith that this will increase student performance and graduation rate,” Bozawkowitz said.
“We have really high hopes for next year! #TechnologyInEducation” Superintendent Luvelle Brown tweeted.