In an act of intrepid investigative journalism, a team of Tattler ninja-journalists mounted a daring raid of the College Board’s headquarters in New York City, and found evidence that is just now being analyzed. “With all the money students pay to take SAT and AP exams, we weren’t sure just what we’d come across,” said team leader Francesca Chu ‘18. “But our worst fears were confirmed when we had to slip through a web of lasers and henchmen-thug people armed with #2 pencils with poison tips, and cross a pool of hungry crocodiles.”
Chu told a frightening story of College Board president David Coleman sitting on a throne built from stacked gold bars, while petting an evil looking cat and addressing a table of stern men in immaculate suits. “Believe it or not, they were all dressed as well as Max Fink,” reported second-in-command Vaynu Kadiyali ‘19. “This was really shocking and a big blow to my school pride.”
“We can confidently say that at the meeting they were colluding with Wikileaks and the Kremlin to remove their competition,” said Chu. “The Wikileaks representative said they would release a report documenting how taking the ACT harmed applicants’ chances of college acceptance.”
More disturbingly, the team found evidence of College Board trying to infiltrate college admissions committees. “This was what really scared us,” said Chu. “If they could control who had access to higher education and top universities, they could control who could get many powerful jobs, and…” She trailed off as the full import of what she said came home.
The team found that College Board operatives had specifically rejected or deferred many candidates from IHS. Jacob Silcoff ‘17 had been deferred from MIT because in a report back to College Board HQ, one operative found him “far too rebellious and radically progressive to become part of the new global order. I mean seriously, you should see this dude’s application.”
The team returned bloody and bruised; Kadiyali had been nipped by the crocodiles several times. They were clearly shaken, not stirred.