Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19):
By 2023, you’re probably going to have changed the lightbulbs in your house.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20):
Fifteen years from now, you would have blinked around one hundred and fifteen million times. Well done!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20):
By 2060, electric cars will have out-competed fossil fuel cars, and Elon Musk will have turned himself into a massive supercomputer.
Cancer (June 21 – Jul 22):
In fifty years, that tree you grew in your backyard will stop growing, because someone chopped it down for more housing space.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22):
By 2050 . . . oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22):
Ten years from now, you will have drunk one thousand and eight hundred gallons of water. Enough to make yourself a new pair of jeans!
Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22):
Three million years from now, the Earth’s poles will have flipped multiple times, infuriating generations of compass enthusiasts.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21):
By tomorrow, you will feel happy, sad, annoyed, pleasantly surprised? I don’t know. Help me out here.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21):
By 2035, smart monocles will have bounced back in popularity, and folding phones will have become just rolled-up OLED screens.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19):
Eighteen years from today, we will have burned through around thirty-two billion pencils! Good luck keeping count.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18):
Five years from today, you will have finally thrown out all of your useless birthday presents.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20):
By 5080, archeologists will have found the remains of our long-lost society, along with a fully-functioning Nokia phone.