Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue
In a survey the Ithaca High School (IHS) Student Council sent out to the entire student body, 99.9 percent responded they “strongly agree” to the statement “I’m just so stressed. There’s no time for fun in my life anymore.” The other 0.1 percent still marked “agree” that they have become increasingly stressed as the school year progresses. In response to the staggeringly negative data, the Ithaca City School District (ICSD) has decided to replace all staircases in IHS with twisty, bright yellow plastic slides, in an effort to help students deal with stress and make the school an overall more fun and enjoyable place.
Students who presented the results of the survey to Luvelle Brown noted how forlorn the superintendent later appeared. He was reported to be “despondent” and “completely surprised” upon realizing that enforcing the four core values didn’t foster a positive environment for students. He was astonished to learn the values had no effect on students at all, except for acting as the inspiration for many to create IHS meme accounts on Instagram.
At the next Board of Education meeting, which took place on March 20 and had many members of the public present, Luvelle stated that half of the budget for the 2020-2021 school year will be put towards replacing all the staircases in IHS with slides to help students cope with stress. The other part of the budget will reportedly be used to buy more expensive exercise equipment for the weight room and to purchase and distribute more anti-vaping posters, with the remaining two percent to be set aside for teachers’ salaries.
The BoE claimed the benefits of implementing the slides are numerous. “The sheer amount of fun students will experience from going down a slide will improve their mood exponentially,” said BoE member John Stonks. For students who feel like their days are chock-full of work, IHS will now have built-in fun and relaxation. The BoE also claims the slides will make cleaning easier for the janitors. Currently, each individual stair must be swept, inevitably eating up a large chunk of time. However, with the slides, janitors will simply have to go down the slides holding brooms, moving them in an oscillating motion as they descend, effectively cleaning all sides of the slides while providing a fun-filled break for the janitors.
Spectators at the meeting expressed their concern that students would not be able to ascend floors with the slides in place, but only go down floors. When asked about how students will go from the first level of the school to the second level, administration labeled it as “an opportunity for students to showcase their creativity.” Principal Jason Trumble, who was present at the meeting and endorsed the proposal, quite confidently remarked, “I’m excited to see students exhibit their tenacity and come up with different solutions. I see it as a great opportunity for them to do some creative thinking. It’s a win-win!”
The slides are expected to be in place by the 2021 Regents week in June, so students can properly relieve stress. “I’m very much looking forward to this new improvement to IHS,” Trumble stated with a subtle yet jolly smile. “Let’s make 2021 our year, students!”
