Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece for the Tattler’s April Fools’ issue
A second infestation has struck at the very heart of our fair school. Unlike the rat problem, this international phenomenon has been recognized by ICSD in recent years as a “Districtwide Crisis.” In an official report given by the ICSD Board of Education, representative Vera Pontless, stated, “The effects of this situation have become out of hand. We would never have expected such drastic implications, even in our relatively small Ithaca community.”
But just what is this international incident that has poisoned the nation’s malls, city streets, and now IHS as well? To readers unfamiliar with the denim cobra, this all-encompassing outbreak can be traced through time as one of the many horrors of the 1980s heavy metal era. But after a time of relative peace and tranquility, the denim cobra pandemic has returned in full force.
“It’s difficult to explain,” says Lyra Fake ‘20, a victim of a 2016 outbreak. “I never saw it coming until it was . . . too late.” At this point, Ms. Fake began to break down hysterically and refused to go on in any competent manner. From what our reporters could gather, Ms. Fake first discovered the fiendish effects of the devastating encounter after returning home from a shopping trip. When she carefully unfurled her purchase from its bag, she was shocked to discover that her new jeans were pockmarked with holes, from the knee region extending to the quadricep. Even the backside of the denim clothing item had not been spared and was shredded into an almost unrecognizable tangle of fabric, as if passed through a meat grinder and then gnawed upon by a pack of rabid wolves.
But this dire catastrophe was only the beginning. Further victims reported their jeans being slowly gnawed away while they wore the clothing items. Old jeans, new jeans: it didn’t matter; no denim was safe from the horror. Those of us who preferred clothing items woven from non-denim textiles were forced to watch with abject horror as our loved ones were made victims of war in the name of fashion.
There came a point when all hope seemed to be lost. In such times, you may recall the public service announcements that ran across every station, warning people to stockpile supplies and denim products in the face of the “denim apocalypse.” It was around this time that the malevolent perpetrators that had victimized so many innocents made their greatest mistake. Eyewitnesses reported sightings of dark, snakelike tendrils (coined “denim cobras” by a Cortland resident in January 2019) snaking through the fabric of the denim material and piercing through it with their fangs. Witnesses reported that the damage was complete in a matter of seconds, giving them little to no time to react before the cobra quickly disappeared, as if melting into the shadows. Although the devastation occurred within seconds, they could be certain that these mysterious creatures were the antagonists of the denim apocalypse.
Filled with the beginnings of hope, the population took actions to stand up against the “denim cobras,” as they were now popularly called. The first image evidence was taken in the March of 2019 and posted onto a number of social media platforms by @denim_cobra_apocylypse. Besides going viral across the entire Internet, this footage stood as undeniable proof of the cobras’ existence to any who still denied it. Remarkably, even after the images were posted, there were those who claimed the denim cobras were an “internet hoax” created using “Photoshop and other image editing platforms” and that the “ridiculous ripped jeans trend is all Rihanna’s fault.”
Such attitudes of denial as well as the rising popularity in stretchy fake denim have created an atmosphere of confusion and anxiety. “Denim apocalypse” public service announcements became far and few between, and all the world seemed content to wear jeggings or corduroys. It was as if the denim cobras had never existed to begin with.
When ICSD issued its “Districtwide Crisis” in March 2020, the revival in awareness regarding the denim problem has served as a call to arms for many staff members and students in the ICSD community. We now see staff members passing out mouse traps and snake poison to the student body, like generals preparing the troops for the war to come. As if in retaliation, the damage caused by devious denim cobras has increased exponentially and can now be clearly spotted in the hallways and classrooms of IHS. Worse, authorities remain uncertain as to what actions must be taken to combat the snakes. Clothing industries have begun to experiment with different percentages of denim and polyester in an attempt to thwart the unwanted agitators but to no avail. Additional outcries for help have been sent across the globe, but average citizens and herpetologists alike have yet to come up with an effective solution.
At a recent Board of Education meeting, representatives devoted an entire thirty-six minutes towards discussing the cobra problem. “We would have continued on for longer, but we were asked to address some kind of rat infestation or something,” representative Cloyd added defensively. However, no consensus was made as to what further actions must be taken.
In an atmosphere of constant fear, our path to defeating the cobras remains somewhat murky. Questions about the future still remain: What exactly are the denim cobras? Where do they come from? Why are they here? Who will be their next victim? Amidst all this uncertainty, there is no clear solution. Must we discard all denim products and dress exclusively in Roman togas? Is it better to sue all clothing retail stores for “mysteriously” deformed and inadequate clothing? Or perhaps we should mob in the streets and set fire to Rihanna’s closet?
For now, the best thing we can do is remain supportive of the victims. If you know someone who has encountered a denim cobra, be sure to extend them a listening ear. Offer to sew patches in their jeans, and be a supportive friend to this individual through their darkest hour.
In such fearful times, it is futile to deny the problem any longer; even the ICSD Board of Education has accepted our dire reality. As resilient citizens, we must stand together and do what is necessary to prevent the denim cobras from destroying the blue textile that we hold so close to our hearts.
