As of April 1, IHS has officially declared a state of emergency. “There’s no ignoring it anymore: IHS is in an economic depression,” Big Luve declared at a press conference last week. When The Tattler questioned him about how this would affect students and staff, he replied, “The IHS administration is working hard to address this issue and we are committed to making sure the voices of all of ICSD’s 6000+ Thinkers are heard during these trying times.”
The current economic depression stems from recent questionable investments and decisions made by the administration, the most notable of which being the Luvecoin crash of 2021. However, the final straw that pushed IHS over the tipping point was the recent surge in bake sales. Clubs and other student organizations have been taking advantage of widespread student stress and fatigue by selling baked goods to overwhelmed students as they leave school. This business method capitalizes on IHS students’ desperate need for energy and sustenance. By raising prices exponentially, clubs raked in money by the hundreds each day with desserts that were mediocre at best. “It’s really quite brilliant if you think about it,” said Mr. Trumble. “I applaud our students for coming up with such an ingenious business strategy. It’s truly a reflection of our motto, ‘IHS strong.’”
In mid-October 2022, club bake sales began flooding the IHS economy like never before, with an average of three bake sales per week. Students were spending unsustainable amounts of money on overpriced cookies, bland cupcakes, and subpar brownies. The sheer number of bake sales each week has only increased with time. Student after student is falling into crippling debt; a recent survey by a group of AP Statistics students reported that in March 2023, sixty-three percent of IHS students were consistently borrowing money that they could not repay, as compared to only twenty-one percent of students in September 2022.
Students have also reported symptoms of addiction and withdrawal in regard to sugary goods. In an emotional personal testimony, an IHS senior who requested to remain anonymous stated, “Over winter break, I realized I had come to depend on bake sales for my daily dopamine rush. I was stuck at home, unable to buy desserts, which made my thoughts spiral. I began to feel worthless and pathetic. I was, fortunately, able to get help, but there are a lot of students who are in a much worse situation than I was.”
IHS organizations are also going bankrupt alongside students. Several clubs, including IHS Vaping Club, Upstairs-K Secret Society, and Bad Parking Alliance, attempted to cash in on the bake sale opportunity too late and spent more money than they had. When they found no customers at their dessert-laden tables, they were unable to pay back the money they borrowed and declared bankruptcy. This angered community members who had invested in these clubs, especially the over fifty people who had financially supported the séance held by the Upstairs-K Secret Society. Students and staff can be seen demonstrating in front of Q-Gym each Tuesday, demanding the administration’s aid in relieving the economy’s struggles.
The IHS administration is taking drastic action to combat the crippling depression. The Board of Education recently approved the passage of the Luve-Talcott Tariff, which will come into effect on April 20. The tariff aims to restrict the flow of goods not approved by the administration, which the district hopes will gradually ease the economy out of debt. All materials and goods not produced by Culture of Love, Inc. will be banned, including but not limited to school supplies, electronic devices, clothing, and food products. Students will be required to purchase goods such as pencils, paper, and binders from the numerous school stores to be established across campus. The Community Closet is set to become the official IHS merchandise store. One administrator told The Tattler that there are plans to convert H-Courtyard into a department store that will specialize in IHS-branded food products. The administrator will not be named because they were not authorized to share this information with the public.
The Luve-Talcott Tariff will be enforced by a squad of administrators, led by Ms. Hardesty, who will patrol the hallways for students or staff who violate the terms of the tariff. Any non-approved goods will be immediately confiscated. To prevent the continuation of club bake sales, the administration will confiscate any baked goods on campus. Violators will be required to serve thirty hours of community service as well as pay a fine of 350 Luvecoin.
